Honey with Freckles
by Renee1312
Summary: LeahxOC. Leah Clearwater is trying to distance herself from her pack but she can't manage to escape who she really is: a werewolf. All she wants is to put the past behind her and forget about the pack, go to school, get a job, and marry some nobody. She wants to start over. That is, until she imprints. Reviews welcomed and encouraged! *Working Title*
1. Part I: Prelude

I was never given any say in anything that ever happened to me.

I could feel fingernails digging into the skin beneath the scruff of my neck, clinging onto me as my body sprinted through the forest, darting around the trees at a break neck speed.

I never asked for any of this.

The woods were a blur around me as I lost sight of where I was even going. Jacob's voice shouted words at me. None of them made sense, but I didn't care. Her pounding heart was beating frantically in my ear, slowly drowning out my surroundings with its ferocity to stay alive, her lungs fighting to fill with air. Nothing mattered anymore. The trees, the sky, the river, the wolves, the bloodsuckers… none of it mattered. None of it existed anymore. Her life was twisted around the border of between life and death. I could hear the blood rushing out of her and feel the warmth soaking into the fur on my back. Cold air flushed out of my muzzle in a gust of condensation. Her voice strained my name in my ear.

I wanted to change back. I wanted to hold her and reassure her that everything was going to be okay. I wanted to tell her that we were going to make it out of here alive.

But right now, I didn't have a choice. I didn't have a say.

And right now, I didn't know if telling her that she would survive would be the truth.


	2. Chapter One: Idle

**Author's Note—to preface**

**This is my first fanfiction. I would like each chapter to have a reasonable amount of words, around 3000 at least, but please understand that that is not always possible. I want my content to be good and through and because of my sometimes hectic lifestyle, updates may take longer. I will always put a content warning at the beginning of each chapter for language, violence, sexual content, etc. I don't own any of Smeyer's characters and what not.**

**Chapter 1—Idle**

**Warning: Language, mild sexual mentions**

I let the hot orange sun beat down on my face, turning my eyelids a blistering red color. The ocean's loud roar no longer deafened my ears as I grew accustomed to it, lulling me into a trancelike haze and let it keep me from becoming jittery at every loud seagull, squirrel, or small child passing by my lawn chair. Today was easily the hottest day La Push was going to see this year. Sweat beaded at my scalp and rolled down my face in waves. I gave up trying to wipe it away with my bare arm. What was the use? My sweaty skin wasn't going to absorb it, only smearing it around in a less helpful manner. I felt a couple of dead gnats stuck forehead. My t-shirt was definitely soaked through in all the wrong places.

Five year old Claire let out a squeal and I knew she was struggling to keep up with the older Renesmee. As of now, the little eleven month old bloodsucker wasn't looking so little. Her growth had slowed considerably over the last year since her birth, which was both a blessing and a curse to her parents until it settled on a body that was about eight years old. Bella Cullen had talked about how she wished she had gotten to have a baby for longer and Edward talked about how bad he felt for her having to be stuck at eight years old for who knows how long. Maybe it would be six months, maybe a year, maybe even longer than that. She still had seven more years to go until she met her full potential though, according to what they learned down in South America.

Despite the heat from the sun, my body shivered uncomfortably. All that time spent in Jacob's head made my life a living hell. I guess that's what I get for being so in love with Sam once. All I could see sometimes were his borderline sick and obsessive fantasies of the little girl and what she's going to look like when she grows up. It's straight up nauseating sometimes, and Quil too. I know deep down that it's not like that, that it'll never be like that, that no imprintee could ever fall victim of any molestation because the imprinter has such a strong duty to protect them. Still, it was gross watching them change diapers knowing that one day their diapers are going to be their panties and they're going to be all up in them all over again.

I took a big, slow breath. _I'm just trying to displace my feelings. _I repeated over and over. My counselor suggested that perhaps my jealousy was the root cause of my anger and bitterness. If I worked on that, I could finally reach a point where I didn't feel like I wanted to scream all the time, and if I did _that,_ I knew one day I could get myself to stop phasing. I could put this nightmare all behind me and go back to my human life.

Playing nice is _so_ fucking hard.

Then again, even Seth, only sixteen years old but who could easily play the part of a grown man, had his own imprintee now. It's so easy to watch them, to say that you never want to lose control, that you never want to become mindlessly in love with someone when it isn't you. Seth didn't even care. Sure, he wasn't going to complain if he got a girlfriend but it wasn't like he was asking for it. Seth's new imprintee was a girl named Jenny. She was a pretty girl from Forks High School and she definitely wasn't a traditional Rez girl, something Mom wasn't super fond of. She wasn't fond of imprinting in general. But it wasn't like that was going to stop her from inviting her over, cooking for her, and basically treating this stranger like a second daughter all the time.

I shouldn't be upset. Honestly, after all this time, I should know better than to let this kind of stuff consume me. It builds and builds and builds up inside of my chest and then all of a sudden everything comes crashing over my head before I phase. The creepy feeling that crawls over my skin like millions of spiders haunted the hairs on my arms. I squeezed my eyes shut tighter, leaning my head back as I took deep gulps of the salty sea air through my mouth. _Hold, one... two... three... _Exhale. The spiders receded back up my forearms to my elbows before disappearing. It was frustrating to think about the fact that I had broken my two day streak without the shaking or phasing. Every time I let my temper get to me, every time I let the wolf inside of me try and break out, I lost a bit more of my humanity, or rather, my opportunity at humanity. There were so many things that I wanted back.

God, I miss Dad.

Dad promised me he was going to help me with my college applications and my scholarships. He used to laugh about walking me down the aisle some day. When I was a kid, he used to make a joke whenever Seth or me made a big embarrassing mistake. He'd lean over, the familiar twinkle in his eye and say, "you know I'm gonna tell that at your wedding, right?" He even teased me one time and told me that I better hurry up and marry Sam so he could deliver our kids before his medical license expired. He told Seth and I he wanted no fewer than eight. _Yeah, okay, Dad,_ a laugh got caught in my throat. Seth would probably be the sole provider of his eight grandkids now that all the Rez boys got imprintees and I was left all by myself. It was so unnerving to think back to Dad's last few weeks. His hair got thin and greasy, his eyes growing dark and purple. Seth's transformation was so hard on him. I wished he had never seen me phase out at the edge of the woods. I can still remember the frantic voices of the boys talking in my ear, almost as terrifying as the phase itself, then Dad, years away at the house as he collapsed to his knees.

I quickly realized that the sweat wasn't the only liquid running down my cheeks.

I was so caught up in trying to compose myself to keep from looking stupid as I started crying that I almost didn't hear the heavy footsteps running across the loose rocks of the beach. A hand violently grabbed what felt like a chunk of hair on the top of my head, yanking, a guy's voice laughing. I shrieked with surprise, grasping at my scalp. My vision took a minute to adjust from the blinding spots of color and the brightness of the beach before I saw the cackling figure. None of my hair was missing, and I all around wasn't hurt, but a lanky boy with tawny skin and a black buzz cut stood in front of me with an olive green t-shirt from our mom's store. A lopsided grin covered his face. Seth was holding my sunglasses that had been resting on the top of my head. Angry spiders, termites, and beetles scurried up my arms and my fingers began to shake.

"HEY!" I shouted. I was too excited in that moment to do my breathing excises. My lungs were tight, pressing too hard against my ribcage to fill up with air. The beach was coming into clear view now. It wasn't exactly the tropical paradise one might expect. The sky was actually mostly overcast, small rocks filling the shoreline instead of sand, large evergreens replacing the palm trees. My lawn chair tipped over with the force of my body jumping out of it. Seth hunched over with laughter. "Give them back!" I cursed him in our native language.

"Oh shut _up!"_ He shook his head. "So what now? Do you get to pretend you're in the Bahamas all the time while I get the work at the store?" I jumped at him, wresting him for my sunglasses. He was a touch wall of solid muscle, but despite my estrogen, so was I. I could feel the insects burrowing beneath my skin. When he realized he wasn't a match for me in human form, he pivoted on his heel, chucking my sunglasses into the sea. "Go fetch!" He called.

"I fucking hate you!" I shouted, already jogging towards the water. I had kicked my sandals off earlier so now the pointed rocks were stabbing at the soles of my feet. Thank god my skin had toughened since I started phasing. At least now I wouldn't have to worry about tetanus or blisters. He didn't throw them too far, my eyes locked on the spot the landed on. My cargo shorts were going to get a little wet, but I was already drenched in sweat. The water was fairly shallow and shockingly resfreashing as I fetched my sunglasses from their almost watery grave. Between the jagged rocks that almost felt like broken glass and the sharp churning of the salt water, I felt grounded again, remembering that I'm human, and that I needed to stay human. My feet trudged back up to shore as I avoided getting hit in the rear end by the next incoming wave.

Two little girls materialized beside him. I hung my glasses around my neck by their strap. Quil came jogging over. He scooped the little girl in the purple one piece and Mickey Mouse floaters on her arms in one smooth flourish, swinging her over each shoulder like towel. Claire burst into laughter.

"So what dragged you down here anyways, huh?" I pressed. "Did mom finally let you on lunch break?"

"Oh yeah, I went over to Uncle Alo's for barbecue. He gave me a whole bunch of his pulled pork with his homemade hot sauce." Seth taunted, a smirk pulling at his thin lips. My stomach churned angrily at the thought. "I'd offer you some of the ribs he gave me, but I've actually gotta get back to work at the store so..."

I sighed. "You want the rest of the day off so you can go make out with Jenny in your new car, huh?" I squinted.

His face turned more pink somehow beneath his sunburn. "I can just give the food I can't eat to Jacob if you want me to."

"Hey!" Quil complained, awkwardly trying to juggle the girl the was climbing on his shoulders. "I could go for some barbecue..."

"Oh come on, it's not like you've got anything better to do. Besides, me and Jenny were gonna go catch a movie up in Port Angeles tonight." Seth said.

"I thought you were in summer school or something." I said. I knocked the loose rocks and dirt out of my striped sandals as I put them on. Quil let out a laugh and Seth punched him in the gut for it. Poor Seth wasn't allowed to graduate on time give how much school he's missed due to his little _furry_ problem.

"I finished my finals, Mom said I could go." He shot back. "Now come on, are you going to do a shift for once or not?"

"For once?" I asked, fighting to get my other shoe on. "What do you think I'm doing besides getting ready to move into my place?"

I officially only had two weeks before my GenEd classes up at Peninsula Community College started. I had packed up all of my stuff and bought most of the stuff I would need, toiletries, towels, notebooks, new bedsheets, and all that for when I got a place in Forks.

"Yeah right, I'll believe that when you've actually got a place to go to." Seth rolled his eyes.

"Like I said, I'm _working on it!"_ I snapped back at him in a low voice. I grabbed my lawn chair, kicking it to force the metal in half with a groan. "Are we going or what?"

"You're bringing us food back too, right?" Jacob's deeper voice snuck up behind me. Jacob had gone into retirement as the alpha after everything that went down a year ago, handing his power back to Sam.

I laughed. "Hmm. Why don't you go kill yourself a deer or a mountain lion if you're hungry?"

A shorter curly haired girl in a green swimsuit was at his side. She wrinkled her nose. _Yeah right, like the little bloodsucker had never killed anything herself before. _I thought. Jacob got me in a headlock and he ruffled my bob. "Why don't _you?"_ He taunted back. "Mmm, what, raw elk doesn't suit your fancy, princess?"

A knot in my throat made me gag. "You can keep all the elk you want to yourself." I stumbled as I got my bearings on the rough rocks, slinging the chair over my shoulder. "See you around, Jake, Quil." I nodded my head. "Bye, girls."

Seth surrendered my lunch: fries, three pulled pork sandwiches, baked beans, and a couple of pickles. He knew we were big kids that liked to eat. A big part of me missed the days where my body wasn't constantly sweating and churning out calories just by existing. He had the best ribs on the Rez and given how much of a suck up Seth was to just about anyone it was nice to know we had decent food just about whenever we wanted. I was really gonna miss our tiny sliver of La Push as much as I wanted to escape, and I hated to admit I'd have to be coming back for the home cooked food.

I tossed the lawn chair into the truck bed and hopped into my old blue Ford. The door was a bit wonky and made horrible noises when I tried to shut it. A perk of Seth getting his own ride meant finally getting some time to myself at least. That, and he'd finally stop throwing food wrappers in my backseat.

_Sunset Gifts—La Push:_ Mom's little tourist trap. When Dad died, we couldn't afford to stay in our old house, so Mom took custody of the little store and downsized to a two bedroom house behind it. It wasn't so bad except for the part where Seth and I had to share a room and I was going to rip his throat out if he kept up his snoring. I insisted it wouldn't make any lasting damage, maybe knock him out for a few hours while he healed, but Mom said I couldn't. _Only two more weeks._ I promised myself.

I parked between the store and the house where Mom's little car was. I could see her faint silhouette sitting at the register inside the store, a white plastic fan gently blowing her wispy black hair out of her face. I quickly shoved the remains of my lunch in my mouth and ran into the house, peeing off my sweaty sand-coved beach clothes along the way to the shower. I didn't wait for the old pipes to warm the water up before scrubbing my body off with the pink loofah. I was very careful to avoid the new tattoo on my shoulder and back that was burning furiously. I designed it based on some of the old Quilute legends and language, creating an intricate pattern that trailed from my neck down to the middle of my back. Jacob had guilted me into getting the silouette of a wolf's head off of the center amongst the tradition woven tribal art.

I carefully cleaned and wrapped the raw tattoo. I couldn't exactly put on a bra with the new ink job, not that it was that big of a deal anyways. When I hit my growth spurt, my muscles outshone my body fat, smoothing out whatever "curves" I might've had, chiseling off my baby fat, and flattening out my body. I wasn't exactly as buff as the boys now and I _definitely _didn't have a six pack, but my body had definitely undergone some severe changes. My metabolism might've ramped up, but I lost any sense of my teenage years. My youth and my girlishness was stolen from me. I hadn't honestly felt pretty at all since my senior prom roughly two when I wore a dress. Now, that same dress couldn't even zip properly. Actually, I had only tried to wear a dress once since my transformation and it left me crying in the floor of the dressing room. I felt so... so ugly. I felt deformed, like I would never get to feel beautiful again. Seth had been so lucky to grow up to be a decently attractive teenage boy and here I was, begging Mom to take down all of the painful reminders of what I used to be from high school. I was hit by puberty all over again except this time it was an entire semi and I was standing in the dead center of the interstate.

I quickly threw on a pair of denim shorts and my work shirt with a flannel shirt over it, avoiding my reflection in the mirror. I had one foot in my sandal and the other in my hand as I walked. The door jingled behind me. A _very_ white family of four stared back at me. The mom was in yoga pants and had a fanny pack and the dad had on adidas and a blue polo shirt. They looked at me really funny as I gave them a quick smile and slipped past.

"Hey, Mom!" I called, awkwardly hopping on one foot to get my shoe on. My other squeaked annoyingly on the linoleum.

"I was expecting your brother to come." She raised an eyebrow at me. Mom was perched on a stool behind the counter, delicately weaving a dark blanket that would soon be going up for sale.

"Yeah well, he wants to go up to Port Angeles with his _girlfriend."_ I pouted my lips and squinted my eyes. She chuckled and rolled her eyes.

"Oh yeah. Right. Well did he at least bring me my lunch like I asked?"

_"Your_ lunch?" I asked with wide eyes. "He took me food and told me it was mine. No wonder it looked like enough to feed two people..."

Mom made a face and murmured something I didn't catch, but sounded vaguely like Quilute. "That kid needs adderall."

"I don't know if adderall will cut it, maybe horse tranquilizers though." I said lightly. "I can cover for you. Go get something to eat. Get off your feet for a bit."

Mom was so nervous nowadays she was practically eating granola bars and her fingernails. Since Dad had died, Mom's mental health slowly began to deteriorate. She literally began struggling with pulling her hair out. Her face was so sunken in now I could probably cut glass with her cheekbones. I tried to shift the blame onto Dad's death rather than my phasing. She nodded solemnly. "Fine. I get it. I need a break." She grumbled.

"You do need a break!" I insisted. As much as I would've rather been doing anything else right now, Mom always over worked herself until she was burnt out here.

"You can make some more dream catchers while you're at it." She coaxed, folding up her blanket and stuffing it into a cardboard box on the floor. She was so tired her eyes looked like they were in a dreamlike daze. We never got around to taking yoga classes together like I had promised we would. When our local gym offered it, I insisted we get memberships together to help her with her anxiety and me with my temperament problems. She seemed to be in such eager agreement every time I brought it up, but we never went.

"Of course." I nodded in agreement.

"Excuse me," the white mom said in an almost cliche Californian accent. Her teeth looked too big for her mouth. She gestured to her son, who was holding up a dream catcher and a popsicle from the freezer in his fist, alongside a dollar bill and many quarters. She just sort of watched as he dumped it all of the counter, expecting me to figure it out myself as I meticulously tried to smooth out the bill.

I put on a big smile, mostly for the kid. "Have a great day!" The mother's smile came off about as genuine as mine did.

As soon as they left, I made my way to the small storage closet to dig up some extra string to make dreamcatchers. The door jingled again and I half expected it to be the touristy mother coming back to complain about something.

"Hey, just a second!" I called. As soon as I stuck my head around the corner, my heart sank into the pit of my gut. "Oh. Hi."

Sam Uley stared back at me expressionless. My ex-boyfriend and ex-alpha stood on the other side of the counter, straightening his back to be almost seven feet tall. Then, a small smile crept up onto his perfectly stone hard face. "Hey, Leah."

I stalled down the knot in my throat and put on a smile. "What's up?" I asked as I made my way around the back of the counter, leaning forward on my elbows.

"I heard you're leaving the pack." He frowned. He looked visibly uncomfortable at the mention. My eyes fell down to the counter, my fingers drumming nervously. "You... you apparently told everyone but me?" His voice asked hesitantly.

I sucked in a deep breath "Sam, it's not like that, I just... it's just community college, alright? It's not like it has to be some big deal. We don't have to make a big deal out of it." I said. My hand fidgeted, tucking my hair behind my ear. "It's just Forks. It's only half an hour away."

"It's not though, is it?" Sam quickly interjected. His hand was balled up into a tight fist. He forced out a deep breath. He smelled like strong cinnamon breath mints and pine tree sap. His black t-shirt clung too tightly to his hard abdomen and bulging biceps as he was holding air in his lungs. He didn't look angry. I knew Sam and I knew what he was like when he was angry. His eyes flickered with sadness and disappointment. _I loved him._ I thought. Of course I did. You can't just bond with someone the way Sam and I did and then drop it like it never happened, no matter how much he wanted to pretend that he could. I loved him, and he loved me, and it was as plain as day. Even if it was a different kind of love, maybe not quite the way I loved Seth or my mother, but it was love. I think the Greeks had a special word for it. "Leah, I know you better than anyone, and-"

"Sam!" I raised my voice at him. "This is why I don't tell you anything, is because you always... you always blow up like this! I'm just going up to Forks for a few semesters, no big deal."

"But you're leaving, aren't you? You aren't just going to come back to La Push after a couple of years. You're going to want to transfer, to move away from here. You're not going to want to visit." His big black eyes stared down at me, his face now inches from mine. It was like running a razor blade over an old scab, digging it up to make it scar worse. I used to run my fingers all over his face, over ever freckle and mark. I used to tossle it between my fingers when I kissed him. That was before he buzzed it. "Like, for good, right? You always used to talk about how badly you wanted to get out of a little town like this, how you wanted to forget who you are. Forget what you're meant to be-"

"Sam," I scoffed. I mindlessly pulled out a cardboard box filled with paper, pens, staples, rubber bands, the whole works, and began reorganizing it so that I didn't have to look at him. "I'm not _meant_ to be anything, okay? This whole destiny thing is... it's complete and utter bullshit, I mean, come on, the Cullens are fine, Nessie is fine, we're all fine. We're done. If you wanna go run around shirtless in the woods as a big dog, I don't care, okay? But I just... I want to go back to normal."

"Things aren't meant to normal for a reason, Leah." Sam tilted his head slightly, his eyes still watching me intently despite my deflection.

"Look, just because you had fun playing alpha and imprinting on Emily doesn't mean we all enjoy it-"

"You're still going on about this, aren't you? You're still hung up on Emily?" His voice boomed.

My eyes snapped up to his. Now I saw the anger glint in his eyes. "If I was still hung up on Emily, would I have helped her with her _fucking_ baby shower, huh? Would I have been a bridesmaid at your wedding? Would I have... I dunno, kept that he baby a secret for you that whole time?" I instantly regretted sounding so sour at him. The vein in his forehead and in his neck flexed. Emily had accidentally gotten pregnant just a few weeks before the wedding and I had been the one sticking up for her side the entire time. Her parents weren't super happy to find out why the wedding had been rushed a few weeks early. "Sam, this isn't _about you." _I growled. "Not everything is about _you._ This is about me and I don't have to be a wolf if I don't want to be!"

"Then what is it? Why are you leaving here? You're not going to be safe no matter where you go without a pack!" He defended. "This is your home! We're your family!"

"I don't _want_ a pack! I don't want to be a shape-shifter, and I don't want to be stuck by myself in La Push as a teenager forever, but you go ahead and try, Sam." I said in a low growl.

"You can't just run away from this." He huffed. I could practically see the condensation that he spit out. "You can't hide from yourself."

"I'm not hiding, Sam. I'm quitting." I said firmly. Absently, I didn't realize I was holding a stapler and when I flourished my hand, the plastic came crashing down onto the counter, shattering into several pieces. Embarrassed, I quickly swept it into a pile in my hand and dumped the plastic and metal bits and pieces into the trash.

"You can't just _quit,_ Leah-"

"Oh yeah?" I cocked my head as a challenge. "You wanna watch me?"

"You are so stubborn." Sam gritted his teeth. I chuckled with amusement. The longer I stared at him though, something felt off about his expression. He looked _genuinely_ distraught at the idea of losing one of his pack members, like he was taking this way too personally. The boys never liked having a _girl_ run with them. They made way too big of a deal out seeing me naked and they were always so degrading towards me, both verbally and telepathically.

I gave him a weak smile. "Why can't you be happy for me?" My voice broke. "I'm so excited for you and Emily and the baby, why can't you be excited that I'm finally getting to go to college? Maybe _I_ want to grow up and do my own thing too." Sam's eyes trailed away from mine. "Sam, look at me."

He sighed, now staring away at the ceiling tiles. "Leah, this isn't right. This doesn't feel right."

"Why not?" I demanded, slamming my palm down on the counter.

He flinched. "If you weren't meant to phase, why would you have phased in the first place. You're meant for something bigger, just like the rest of us. And what are you going to do when you _do_ phase? Where are you going to do? How are you going to hide? How are you going to control your temper?"

"I'm working on it. I'm trying to control it, I'm trying-"

I stopped. His eyes were now glaring down at me. _Emily._ I pictured her face so clearly in my mind. The scars, the way her lip was permanently made into a frown, that look of horror that must've struck her face as he phased in front of her. "Lee-Lee... just... you-" He said in a low voice. I shook my head to make him stop. I still couldn't wipe the image of Emily out of my mind. I swallowed the hard knot in my throat. I didn't need to be reading his mind to know that he couldn't bear his own guilt and that the last thing he wanted was for me to be put in his shoes.

"It's not going to be like that. I'm not going to-" I immediately realized how I sounded. I meant to make a point; Sam was alone once, he didn't know what was happening, he didn't knew how or if he could control his intense emotions. "Sammy, you didn't mean it, that's not what I was trying to say. I meant that I've still got you and Seth and Jacob and all. I'm not isolated. I have a support group and I won't hurt anyone. I won't let it happen to me."

"You don't know that for sure." His voice was unfamiliarly harsh.

I shook my head and reached my hand out towards his arm. "I can take care of myself. Come on, you know I'll be okay. I can always come running back if I want. Like I said, thirty minutes drive. I can run faster than that." I tried to smile at him.

Sam nodded in an equally uncomfortable way. "Just... don't get too cocky, okay? Don't start messing around and be stupid. You're not in my backyard anymore and I can't come save you if I need to."

"Oh come on, what? Do you think one of the leeches are gonna come suck my blood in the middle of the night?" I threw my face in my elbow, making an exaggerated, creepy hissing noise.

"Right, yeah," He gave me an annoyed look, but I could see the corners of his lips turn up. "You're _so_ scary, bloodsucker. Terrifying. I might just piss my pants."


	3. Chapter Two: Haven

**Chapter 2–Haven**

**Warning: Language**

The microwave let out an annoying cry to announce that it was done. I was in the middle of grabbing a popcorn bowl from beside the oven, careful as to not disturb Mom. She was on the couch, propped up with an afghan blanket across her lap. Her feet were perched on the coffee table next to her mug, showing off her freshly painted purple toenails.

"Do you want me to do yours?" She asked, her eyes not trailing away from the screen.

"No, I'm good." I replied. I poured the bag of popcorn into the bowl. "Thanks though."

She nodded solemnly. When was the last time we had quality girl time? We never went to movies together or went shopping together (I really didn't _do_ the whole shopping thing anymore). Maybe I could convince her to drive up to Seattle one day with me.

"G'night, Mom." I whispered, walking over to her. I planted a kiss against her temple. "Love you."

"I love you too, baby." She replied, patting my hair.

I quietly walked down the hallway to our room and the door shut behind me.

The tv was rambling on obnoxiously in the living room as Mom watched what sounded like Wheel of Fortune. Seth said he wouldn't be back until eleven or so, leaving me to have the bedroom all to myself. I cautiously waded through the sea of boxes that cluttered the bedroom. We got to share the master's since it was bigger. Since we had moved just after a Dad's death, there was an amalgamation of boxes filled with stuff. Seth wasn't waiting a second to take over the room with his video games once I moved out. Half of the stuff was my clothes that were ready for college.

I reached into the bowl of popcorn on my hip, promptly popping a handful in my mouth and observing the my bed. We were going to rent a U-Haul as soon as I had a place to move into... and that was the biggest problem. Being as small as it was, Forks Washington wasn't exactly keen on their dormitories. Seth and I had driven around the area and there were a decent amount of apartments but I hadn't committed to any of them yet. Mom was starting to get agitated about it.

I crawled up onto my bed and picked up my laptop, careful to not mess up the charging cable. I needed to just go ahead and buy a new one by now or else I might accidentally catch my bed on fire. I had spent the last half hour perusing the student forum, a place where students enrolled at the college posted things like books for sale, memes, and general comments on the classes and professors. My five classes at the college were chemistry, psychology, calculus, and my two computer classes. I didn't know what any of this meant. Back in high school, I hadn't had such a clear cut idea of what I wanted to do, what I wanted to be as my classmates did. I had Sam, an acceptance letter to my dream school up in Seattle, and my own working hand-me-down pickup truck. I was happy and I had everything to look forward to. That was before Sam got a weird on me, leaving for longer stretches of time, before he met Emily. Now what was I supposed to do? I didn't have a solidified plan other than to run myself until I ran out of steam and find a job so I didn't drain Mom's bank account while I was at it.

I clicked on the little white box in the right hand corner of the webpage, "New Entry ". I typed and retyped my message several times, my finger hanging over the enter key.

_Hi, my name is Leah Clearwater. I'm an incoming freshman at the school and I'm looking for a place in Forks to move into soon when school starts and I need a roommate or two depending on the apartment. Preferably female, but I'm not too picky, just someone to split the rent with. I'm working out the details of a job, but I'll be able to make the down payments. If you're interested, we can discuss this in more detail over coffee soon. I know this is last minute but please contact me as soon as you can. Thanks~ (: (; (:_

I added my contact information and hit enter and waited for the post to upload. I sat silently, staring at the screen, hitting the refresh button. _Of course it's too soon._ I sighed, but I felt nervous for some reason. There wasn't much to do other that try and watch a movie to get my mind off of things. I couldn't stomach anything nice. I wanted something loud, something violent, something that made such little sense that I couldn't even feel my brain. I decided to settle on a buddy-cop blockbuster with guns and cars and a plot that was so simplistic I barely I had to pay attention to anything but the noise and flashing colors.

I woke up groggily the next morning to my cell phone ringing directly in my ear. I must've fallen asleep unusually early last night, but I couldn't remember it. I didn't even have to take my normal melatonin. I wondered if Seth must came in much later than he had said he would.

"Erm, hello...?" I groaned, my eyes still not open. I hadn't even stopped to look at the caller ID. My fingers smelled like buttery popcorn and I realized I had spilled some of it in the bed with me as I carefully scraped it into the floor.

"Leah? It's noon." A sharp female voice on the other end of the line said.

"Oh hi, 'noon'." I remarked. I rolled over onto my back, staring up at the ceiling. The voice on the other end sighed. "What's up?"

"Didn't you get my call earlier? All of the boys came over. Seth's here, but apparently he didn't want to wake you up, I guess." Emily replied. I scowled. Seth was supposed to wake me up. His bed was made, meaning he must've been up for a while. "Come on, everybody's here. Come spend some family time."

"Aw, don't tell me you're getting all sentimental on me now, are you?"

She scoffed but I could hear the amusement in her voice. "Oh please, it's just me and a whole bunch of men over here. Apparently there's a big football game on today. Oh, can't you come give me a break?"

I chuckled and rubbed my hand over my face. "I don't like sports."

"Good, then you can go grocery shopping for snacks. You know I'm not allowed on my feet for long periods of time."

"You are so dramatic." I remarked. I sat up straight, cracking my back as I stretched my hands up towards the ceiling.

"You still there?" Emily asked.

"Yeah?" I said, bending and stretching my neck.

"Well hurry up, then, we're all waiting."

I probably could've run on my own two feet. Or four, if I was up to it, but four was too much work. Only sometimes did I have to remind myself that I was supposed to be done phasing. Sam kept telling me that being a wolf was my instinct, my fate, and sometimes there's a knot a knot in the pit of my stomach that tells me it's true. I shoved the thoughts away and my feet into my worn in hiking boots.

My truck sputtered to a stop and I had to physically kick the door open when it got stuck. The tv was loud and roaring in the Uley's living room. Paul, Jared, and Jacob were strewn about the sofas, making them look like doll furniture. Quil was perched on the counter top almost like a fat squirrel or a cat weighing down a branch, gulping down a two-liter of root beer. Embry was snacking on the leftover bacon from breakfast. "Leah!" Seth called from his sprawled his pillow fort on the floor. I waved him off.

Emily is leaning against the counter, smiling. She was heavily pregnant, carrying an unfamiliar weight in her hips that her hands lovingly rubbed thoughtless circles on her stomach. Her face was glowing, not much unlike how I imagined a painting of the Madonna might look with a halo of light around her scarred and gnarled face. Thankfully we knew the side effects of being impregnated by a werewolf, something Bella Cullen wasn't so lucky to have had. When the vampire baby had been born, I could remember so clearly from Jacob's memory how Edward's venom starved the life out of Bella and eaten her to skin and bones while she was still alive. With Emily however, it was like... it was like some of Sam's blood was coursing through her veins and it had multiplied a hundred times over. His livelihood was hers. Her heart was pumping hard and her eyes were more alive than I had ever seen them. Her teeth glimmered. "Hey, girly." Emily tilted her head.

"Hi, Em." I said. A toilet flushed in the other room and then I saw Sam appear, drying his hands on his jeans. He gave me a brief smile before wrapping his arm around her shoulder. She leaned up to let him peck her on the lips. I caught myself wringing my hands nervously. "Hi, Sammy."

Sam smiled, but not at me. "What's up, Leah?"

"Not much." I shrugged. "Where's Jenny and Nessie and all them?"

"Just is today." Emily have a crooked smile. "We're going out." She smugly shoved her husband off of her. "You boys like to eat your body weight in food, and lucky for me, you weight two hundred plus pounds each." She rolled her eyes. He slyly pulled her back in for a kiss. I felt stomach acid burn the back of my throat.

"I could get the grill warmed up. We can make hotdogs." He offered.

"Sounds good." Emily pecked his lips. She reached around him and grabbed her purse. "Boys! We're going to get groceries, do you want anything!" She shouted over the rumble of the tv. Several voices shouted all at once. All I heard was the distinct rumble of Paul's voice saying "beer!" and the cacophony that followed. Emily shook her head, a grin piercing through her annoyed look.

We drove a few miles down to the local grocery. Emily can seriously be a pain in the ass when it comes to haggling prices and shopping for the cheapest thing possible. I can't blame her though because she gets in from her mother, my aunt, who got it from _her _mother, my grandmother, who also happened to give it to my mom. That combined with her baby wobble, it took us ages to look at every can, read every label, check every price. Somehow, even in her frugal state, she was trying to eat organic now. _Organic. _Was she serious?I was sure the boys were probably going to cannibalize each other by the time we got through the checkout line.

"I don't see how you guys can afford all of the food. Seriously, it's hard enough on Mom to take care of Seth and me."

Emily shrugged. "We make it work." Her eyes glanced down at her list. "Can you grab a bag of dog food for me? No heavy lifting."

I snorted. I reached down and grabbed a bag of dog food that she pointed out to me, plopping it underneath the basket. "Lunch?" I asked.

She hummed a small laugh. "Keep up the attitude and it might be, mongrel." Her eyes look down at mine and she smiled. I couldn't help but smile back.

"So I'm thinking about growing out my hair." I said after a minute, filing in behind her as we walked down the aisles.

"Oh yeah? What are you thinking about, a mullet?" Emily teased.

"No. Just long. Longer than what it was before. Maybe like yours now that my hair grows faster." I said, biting my lip. She pushed her hair behind her ear, suspiciously eying the shelves. I could see the numbers processing in her head. "Seriously though, how do you guys pay for all the food? Aren't you going to have to be paying for a _baby_ soon?"

Her eyes didn't meet mine, but she shook her head, smiling. "We'll make do. We're going to be fine."

"Em, do you really actually like being a homemaker?" I asked curiously. I plucked a jar of salsa off the shelf and added it to the basket.

"Grab two." She said. "I don't understand your question."

I grabbed another. "You do all the cooking and cleaning after the boys _and _you work a job _and_ you're pregnant? I'd call that being a homemaker."

"I don't consider myself a homemaker."

"I just think maybe Sam could be doing more to help you... and stuff."

"Maybe if I'm lucky I can get one of them to imprint in the baby so I can have a free baby sitter." She remarked lightly. I felt nauseous. If I was having a baby, I'd lock it in a cupboard until it was 21 just be safe. I couldn't imagine how she could legitimately not be afraid of someone imprinting on her child. Then again, the concept only ever seems to be creepy to us _outsiders, _the _loners,_ the _recluse. Why?_ Why were we the bad guys that didn't understand? Why did everyone act like it was our faults for not imprinting or that we were selfish for not smiling and nodding along with them? Emily added a couple of bags of chips to the cart. "I don't mind the cooking and cleaning. I've never been happier. I love you guys."

"Don't you feel so... _trapped_ though?" I asked. "You didn't even imprint on anyone. You're just... you're just _you, _but now it's like you've never had a choice."

"I had choices and I chose Sam." Her voice snapped harshly.

"You wanted to go to med school-"

"I'm still a freaking CNA!" She exclaimed. Pregnancy hormones definitely made Emily more of a bitch than usual. "Seriously, are you just doing this to piss me off? This is about Sam, isn't it?"

I felt a twinge if guilt and pain in my chest. It was confusing. I didn't know exactly what it meant. "Em, I just want to understand, okay? I don't get any of this. I don't understand imprinting and I don't understand how you can be so happy when you had such little choice in all of this!" She was fiercely glaring at me as we walked towards the deli. I crossed my arms over my chest. "There are only two Quilute boys left you know."

"Left?"

"That haven't imprinted?" I said. I watched the anger melt off of her face as it shifted to confusion. _"I've _still not imprinted. So there's three of us."

"You'll find a nice guy one day and you'll understand. You're just jealous now. It'll all make sense one day." She said with defeat, picking up packages of cheese and sandwich meat, adding it to the cart. "I know it's hard to imagine-"

"That's why I'm leaving." I said firmly. "I'm not coming back to live in La Push."

"So Sam was right." She grumbled to herself. "Huh."

"Why does everyone act like that's such a bad thing?" I asked.

Emily bit her lip and shrugged. "Eggs. We need eggs."

I firmly grabbed the basket, dragging her to a halt. "Are you even listening to me right now?"

Her face was astonished. "Leah, all I'm saying is that Sam was right when he said you were leaving. That's it."

"But why is it so bad that I leave?"

"We're supposed to be a family, that's all." Emily shrugged her shoulders. She put _three_ cartons of eggs in the cart.

_Family. _Yeah, okay. Maybe I'd feel better if this entire thing didn't turn my life into something that would probably make a very entertaining TLC tv show. Could you imagine? We probably wouldn't get the same ratings as a polygamist cult, but I'm sure we could make enough money to take care of my Mom for a while. _You're being bitter again, Leah._ The voice in my head nagged. I wasn't shaking, but I tried to do my breathing excersizes as subtly as possible. What was wrong with me? Why did I have to feel like my feelings were being pulled at like a rubber band? These were my life long friends, and in some ways my _real_ family, and why did I have to be an alien in my own hometown, expected that one day I'll be hit over the head with Cupid's arrow and suddenly fall madly in love with a boy that I never want to let go of? Why is it a _standard _of living that a teenage boy looked a _baby_ and saw his future wife? Why was it the standard that a woman becomes biologically destined to be a housewife because a random man she's never met before decided against his _own_ will that she will? Where was the line between right and wrong? What did all of this even mean? How could I watch my brother, who said he wanted nothing more than to organically fall in love once he made it to college, change practically over night when he met Jenny? Not how. I _knew how._ Biology. Prophecy. Fate. Hormones, pheremones, the whole works.

I just want answers.

Emily and I are mostly quiet as we go through the store and mostly quiet in the car. Paul cracks open the first beer. We feast on hotdogs and hamburgers and potato chips. I hate football. I hate all sports, actually but who cares? Nothing of any monetary value anywhere could beat the energy and excitement that was filling the air. The whooping and hollering, the cheering, the celebratory dancing. These boys were _serious _about sports. I didn't know what a touchdown was, but that's okay. The afternoon stretched into evening. I don't think anyone formally stopped eating throughout the day, but we ate dinner. Emily was quietly nibbling on a salad in the corner, so we had to make fun of her for that.

I was sitting on the ground with a beer between my knees, my stomach bloated and full of hotdogs and potato chips. My back was leaned up against Jacob's shins as he sunk into a lawn chair. Emily was resting on the ground, a quilt wrapped around her and Sam's shoulders. Paul was feverishly strumming away at a guitar until his fingers bled, drunkenly belting out campfire music and Jared was following allowing, laughing like a wild coyote. I didn't even like beer, but the strong smell mixed with the cracking fire, the leftover food, and the sweat, the singing and the laughter, all made me feel like I wasn't apart of the real world. We were far enough from the house that I could see the stars. Nothing felt real. Nothing mattered anymore. I leaned my head back against Jacob's knees. Jacob was half-asleep by now as indicated by when he let out a nasally snore.

I wondered in Dad was up there, and if Dad could see me now, what would he be thinking? I could imagine him smiling and shaking his head at me and Seth as we stumbled home. My blood was already filtering out the alcohol and I could feel myself starting to sober up. I couldn't imagine how much Paul and Jared must've had to get this wasted. I took a sip of the nasty beer.

"See, Leah?!" Seth shouted over the drunken fanfare. He was returning from inside the house with yet another plate of chips. "You're gonna miss this in college!" He tripped on a hole in the yard. I don't think he had been drinking; that seemed like his natural state of being.

"Yeah, you will!" Jacob said abruptly, making me realize he was suddenly much more awake than he was a minute ago. I leaned my head further back into his lap, his upside down face meeting mine. "Now get off me, I gotta take a piss!"

I laughed and sat up to let him get out of his chair. Paul and Jared were finishing their song and Paul let out a bellow of laughter. Under the flickering orange light, I saw Emily lean over and kiss Sam on the lips. His mouth upturned with amusement, pulling her in harder for a kiss. They were very quickly making out on the other side of the campfire. I hadn't paid attention to my hand, shaking, as it forced me to drink down the rest of my beer. My vision went blurry for a second. The bottle tipped over onto the ground and I caught my arms wrapping around my middle insecurely like my heart might fall out of my chest. All of a sudden, I wasn't just on some alien planet; I was living in a _vacuum_.

_Sam and his Emily, Jacob and his Nessie, Paul and his Rachel, Quil and his Claire, Jared and his Kim, Embry and his Maya, even little Collin and his girl Emma._

_But it's just me now._


	4. Chapter Three: Pit

**Chapter 3–Pit**

**Warning: language, usage of slurs towards the end**

It only took a few days to get a proper response to my forum post. There were several, but most of them were either boring or borderline creepy. I was starting to wonder how many stoners lived in Forks. There were only a couple of people that I talked to who were interesting enough to be noteworthy, one being a mortuary science student named Tammy who seemed pretty cool, but she also did taxidermy and played the cello, and I'd really like to value my sleep the first couple of semesters and it'd be a lot less sleepless with tiny ceramic eyes staring down over me. The stoners mostly seemed okay but it was a nagging fear that I'd get stuck with all of the chores, which I was already stuck with because of Seth.

But there was a girl that stuck out to me, a girl with bleached blonde hair who looked stylish over-saturated photos of herself in yoga pants who was going to school for journalism and looked like she had a very bubbly laugh. She told me all about how her family moved to Forks after her grandmother died so that they could take care of her grandfather. I found myself getting a little bit excited to see her messages. She was so genuinely nice and (I _think_) she was unironically using side ways emoticons that made me chuckle a bit. It's been over a year since I've had any meaningful conversations with any of my old friends from the Rez. Now, out of the clear blue, some strange girl with stupid little emojis and cartoon gifs was friendly enough to text me. Most of my old friends wanted nothing to do with me when I hit my growth spurt.

I had to pry myself out of bed, away from my phone, and into the shower. Seth was still snoring obnoxiously loud, his overgrown body hanging off the end of the bed. My tattoo was healing much better than I expected. Jacob warned me that if I scratched it, I could actually scratch the ink off and that made me put off getting it for at least two months. But I hadn't scratched it off up to this point, which was a win. I tried to put on something nice, like a pretty tank top with my shorts and maybe some jewelry, but the longer I stared at myself in the mirror, the worst I began to feel about the entire thing. I didn't look like myself at all. I didn't look anything like the girl in my Mom's prom pictures or graduation photos. I tried to fight against changing my attire and opted for ducking my head away from the mirror instead.

Mom was more sluggish that usual the closer it got to me leaving. It was Sunday so Mom has the day off. The smell of coffee and scrambled eggs floated into our room.

"Were you up late?" Mom asked. I shook my head. "You've been sleeping a lot lately. Do you need to start taking something to help you fall asleep?"

I rubbed my hand over my face. "I'm good, Mom, I promise. Do you have any plans for today?" I yawned shakily. She shook her head. The corners of her eyes and the wrinkles around her lips creased. "Since I'm leaving soon, do you... wanna go do something? I was thinking about driving up to Port Angeles."

I searched the pools in her eyes for expression, but she just stared down at her mug of black coffee and shrugged. "You don't have to ask me for permission, Leah, you're twenty-one."

"I was wondering if you wanted to go with me?" I pressed.

"If you want to go with someone, why don't you take one of your friends? Have you tried calling up some of your old girlfriends from school? What about Karen—"

"Mom, I want to go with you." I cut her short.

The prospect seemed to shock her, but her shocked expression betrayed a lack of enthusiasm. "Oh. Me? Are you sure?"

"Yeah." I protested. "Come on, we can have a uh... you know, a _girl's day_, if you want."

She thoughtfully drummed her fingers against her mug. Going out would mean her getting dressed up, brushing out her thick wavy hair, maybe even putting on makeup. It probably sounded exhausting. "Honey, I don't know... what about Karen? Have you talked to her lately?"

_Karen._ Karen Spiel was my only girl friend so to speak in Forks. We grew up next to each other on the reservation together and went to school together from first through twelfth grade until she moved to Forks to go to school. I think she's engaged already. I shook my head. "Mom, I want you to go with me. We can just... hang out. Go get coffee?" Her mouth opened skeptically. "We can go clothes shopping?"

That was it. That was the ticket. Since dad's death, since my second puberty so to speak, Mom's been begging me to buy new clothes. I stopped wearing all of that when I started phasing and it was easier to rip through clothes on top of the fact that I was burning hot in anything I wear. I stopped wearing jewelry and makeup and was living in cargo shorts and t-shirts and I was probably the last straw away from turning my short bob into a buzz cut at this point, except for the fact that my hair was practically the only thing I liked. If I could have anything back, I just wish I had my slender frame. I wish I had my shorter heigh back, my hips, my breasts, the overall softness of my body. Clothes shopping is a _nightmare._ The last time I actually tried on outfits in the store I broke down in tears. But that doesn't mean it wouldn't make my mom happy.

"Okay." Mom said simply. "I'll need to wash my hair."

"Cool." I said, a knot growing in my throat.

Mom nodded. "What about Seth?"

"Nah, just us."

"Just us." She repeated. "Okay. Shower. Shopping. Lunch."

Port Angeles was less than an hour and a half away from La Push. Mom didn't really want to talk while we drove so I just let the radio play to keep out the awkward silence. Mom wanted to walk around the boardwalk for a while, but we still didn't carry much of a conversation. It wasn't exactly raining today, but the sky was murky and the air was humid with rain dropletsWe went and ate at a little mom-and-pop sandwich shop and we spent far too long in a bookstore where mom was looking at the nonfiction section. We walked by a very modern looking boutique and Mom made us go in. It hadn't been here the last time we came to Port Angeles.

"What do want to start with?" Mom asked. She was fixated on a baby blue button up shirt. "I know you don't like dresses, but do you want to try one?"

"Maybe we could look for some slacks or something." I persuaded. Mom wasn't pleased, but she nodded. I had to actually go and find some dress pants to pretend like I cared enough to be here. Mom was walking too slow for me. I picked up a two pairs of dress pants and ducked into a dressing room.

I thought I knew what size I was.

I had put on a pair of black pants. I didn't used to be double digits. I've never really been insecure about what size was on the tag or whatever because I knew that places had different sizes and I knew about vanity sizing and all that, but it was like my body was changing and morphing without me even having the chance to keep up. Were my legs getting bigger? Was I gaining more muscle? I've not been phasing lately. They were too tight around my legs and I couldn't get them buckled or zipped no matter how hard I tried. My fingers were shaking. I started taking slow deep breaths, but I felt myself becoming emotion. No. I wasn't going to cry here. Not right now. Not when there were people around.

"Leah honey? Are you okay?"

"They um... They don't fit me!" I said back, trying to not sound like I was choking. "I need to go up a size or two."

"Okay, give me a second."

I couldn't stop staring at my body in the mirror, turning in different ways to see different angles.

There was a ringing coming from my phone sitting on my shorts. I tried to compose myself as I picked up. "Karen?" My voice cracked.

"Leah?" A girl's voice met me on the other end.

"Yeah, it's me, what's up?" I cupped my hand over my mouth, turning my back against the mirror. "I'm... out shopping with my mom in Port Angeles right now."

Karen groaned. "You bitch! You should've at least invited me."

I sighed. I rubbed my hand over my face. "Karen, it's not that big of a deal-"

"Come on, babe, tell me you're at least getting something cute." She cooed. I always thought it was a little weird when she called me babe, but it was a catchphrase she picked up from a tv show she used to make me watch our freshman year of high school. It's just her thing now.

"Nope. Sorry. Just looking at some slacks." I remarked, shifting to look at myself in the mirror.

"Oh come on, Lee Lee, you know you'd look killer in a mini dress. All the guys wouldn't be able to stop staring at your legs." She persuaded. I twisted to look at my backside. _Yeah, because I look like I do competitive weightlifting on the weekends. _"Speaking of dudes and your legs in a mini dress, I'm calling 'cause I heard you're starting college in Forks!" She squealed.

I winced. "And this has to do with-"

"Cause we're having a party tonight and you're going to come."

"Excuse me, I'm doing _what?"_ I demanded.

"You're coming to a house party tonight with me."

"I'm sorry, is this code for you want me to be your designated driver?"

_"No,_ I want you to come do shots with me because we're going to school together again." Karen scoffed.

"So who's the designated driver?"

"Oh my god you are so _boring!"_

"Leah, honey?" Mom knocked on the door of the dressing room.

I held my cellphone to my chest. "Sorry mom, Karen called me, give me one sec!"

"Oh! Tell her I said hi!" Mom chimed. "What does she want?"

"It's-it's nothing!" I called. "No. No parties." The door opened and I panicked, looking over my shoulder at my mother.

"You never do anything fun." Karen scolded me.

"A party?" My mom asked. She had several pairs of pants draped over her arm.

I covered my phone again. "It's a house party. Drinking and all that. I don't think I'm going."

"You're twenty-one." Mom replied.

"Yeah, you're twenty-one." Karen cut in.

"Shut up." I grumbled into the mouth of the phone.

"It sounds like fun, Leah." Mom smiled warily.

"Mom!" I whined. _"Alcohol!_ Don't enable this!"

"Oh please, it's not like it's a problem for _you." _Mom said sarcastically, hanging the pants on the wall. "You should go."

"So are you buying a party dress there, or do I need to kidnap you and have you come to my place?" Karen purred.

I was suddenly beginning to panic. I wasn't going to be able to get out of this. I was going to have to wear makeup and a dress and possibly even heels, knowing Karen, and the first impression my new classmates were going to get was me, looking like a linebacker in a mini skirt. What if someone important saw me? What if people made fun of me? "Karen, I... I don't know, I-"

"You used to love coming to parties with me!" Karen defended. "What happened to that?" _Yeah, before I started phasing. Back when I was normal and human and I had a normal human body and I got to worry about all the same things you worry about._

"Long story, Karen." I swallowed the knot in my throat. "Okay. Fine. Whatever. Where do you want to meet up?"

"My apartment. You can get dressed and everything over here. Maybe around five? I'll text you the address, just come around the back, okay, babe?"

"Yeah. Whatever." I closed my eyes and the phone-call went dead.

"Those pants look good on you." My mom said. "Maybe a size up so you can button them."

I shook my head, watching myself in the mirror. "I'm putting them back. It's fine, I don't have to get anything-"

"Why don't you like them?" Mom looked at me accusatory.

"I... I dunno, my legs just look... stumpy."

"Stumpy." Mom repeated. "I don't get it. Why do you always do this? Whenever you look good in something, you always find something wrong with it and you trash it."

"That's not my fault!" I said, gesturing towards my legs. "I didn't ask for this!"

"Your legs don't look _stumpy,_ Leah." Mom scoffed.

"Why is it that you don't talk to me anymore, Mom? Why is it that whenever we talk it's like you don't even want to listen to me." I demanded. "I just want to see you more. I want to spend more time with you and you're just blowing off my feelings? What? Mom, are you even listening to me?"

Mom's eyes had kind of glazed over again. "I'm just trying to tell you that you don't look bad. You should get them." She walked out the dressing room door. "I'm sorry that you feel that way, Leah."

"Mom, I'm sorry-" I tried to control the mess I had just made, but she was already going dark again. And now she probably wasn't going to talk to me until I left for college. But it didn't matter how catatonic she became. She was never going to bother to listen to me.

Karen Spiel was half Quilute on her mom's side, and half German on her father's. She had her mom's black hair and olive coloured skin, but she also had her father's bright blue eyes. She had two little brothers that looked just like her. She had a choppy fringe with streaks of red in the front and she still thinks low rise jeans are a thing. She greeted me at the door of her dingy apartment with a cigarette in her hand as she tried to light it.

"Hey, babes." Karen smiled. She leaned over and pecked me on the cheek. Her eyes checked me up and down. "Damn, are you taller now?"

"Maybe." I shrugged.

She ushered me inside. "I think I've got something you can wear. If not I'll ask Allison or Jamie for something." The apartment had several rooms, so I assumed she was talking about one of her roommates. Loud music was playing from somewhere. Karen turned her head and let out a puff of smoke from her mouth. That's when the smell clicked with me. "You smoke?"

"No thanks." I said, shoving my hands in my pockets. "Pot doesn't really do it for me."

Karen tossed her head back with laughter. "Girl, I'm trying to get white girl _wasted_ tonight!"

"I guess I'll be driving my truck then. Gotta make sure I get you home safe." I chuckled.

"Who said you're taking me home?" She teased. "Do you know what size you are?"

_"Thought I did."_ I mumbled. She was already taking me back to her bedroom. The dresser was shaking and I could deduce that the music was coming from next door.

"Did you buy anything good in Port Angeles?" She asked, throwing open her closet door.

"No." I shrugged.

Karen dramatically groaned. "Fine! I'll find something for you to wear."

She found a stretchy black dress that conformed to my body. _God, why was I build like a door?_ I wasn't a huge fan of the makeup she chose for me, too much blush, too much eyeliner and mascara. I looked kind of like a raccoon. My straight black hair only fell down just past my chin, but Karen worked tediously to curl it. I begged her not to tease it and make it big like she did with her own. The house where the party was held was too loud, too hot, too crowded. I spent the majority of my evening clinging to a plastic cup with god-knows-what that smelled like it had a pure alcohol concentration (vodka, probably). No one here looked even a bit familiar to me. I didn't recognize any of the music either. I turned to go to the bathroom at some point and I fought my way down the hallway, but by the time I came back, Karen and the guy she was with were completely gone. _Where was Karen? Why did she leave me here?_ My ears were throbbing from the loud music. The alcohol wasn't enough to make me feel tipsy, but I felt like I was starting to have a panic attack. My heart was racing. Too many people were packed into such a small room, too many arms and hands were too close to me. I needed to get out of here. I had to fight around people to finally get out the front door, still clutching my purse awkwardly to my chest.

"Babe? Babe, I can't hear you! You said you were supposed to _be here!_ Where the _fuck_ are you right now?" A man's voice shouted behind me. I felt a hard, heavy weight knocked me in the back.

"Hey!" I shouted instinctively, my head spinning around. There was a greasy looking guy with a bright red face and a neon beanie holding a smartphone to his ear. His face was scabbed and pimply and he had a weird blonde goatee. My blood felt like it was beginning to boil the longer I looked at him. My thoughts were already swirling with new creative swears, priming to yell at him. I didn't notice how hard my fingers were quaking, visibly, and I needed to calm down before I accidentally killed him. I took several deep breaths and while they weren't rapid, they were enough to calm the spiders beneath my skin. "Don't touch me." I warned him.

His beady eyes glared into me. "Move it, tranny." His free hand punched my shoulder causing me to stumble on the pavement more out of astonishment than the actual impact. His attention turned back to his phone as if he had completely forgotten me. This was it. This was the nightmare I was so afraid of, coming true right before my own eyes. "Where _are_ you? Why was your phone off? You're supposed to let me know where you are!"

I could hear the other voice furiously chattering back through the phone. I only had to take a step forward to block his path again. "Excuse me?"

His fingers gripped tightly around his phone. "Move it, faggot." I don't know what happened. I swear, it was like my sight completely went red. The spiders were still shaking under my skin, but it was like I could make them stop for a moment. My fist clenched automatically and I swung. I felt like I was coming back around to a loud yelp to see the scrawny guy reeling back in pain, his hands holding tightly to his face. The cell phone went knocking into the ground. My knuckles were numb and stinging. "What the fuck! What the fuck is wrong with you, you fucking bitch! What the fuck-"

His nose looked like a bright red pulp. "What was that? What did you call me?" I demanded.

His eyes stared up at me. "No fucking way... no fucking way, dude." His voice cracked and it sounded almost like a laugh. He coughed, sputtering blood onto my shirt. "No way this fucking tranny thinks it can fuck with me."

"Really, because it kind of looks like I did." I growled. The muscles in my biceps were literally contracting painfully. I needed to get as far away from here as possible as fast as possible, but at the same time, I wanted to punch him again. I couldn't even pinpoint the epicenter of my feelings. It felt like a big hot balloon of steam was pushing my ribcage apart. "Do I need to do it again, asshole?"

"You-" He coughed. The guy bent over, hacking spit and blood onto the sidewalk. "You think you're tough shit, but you're just... _ahem..._ you're-"

"What? I'm _what?" _I taunted. My voice rang in my ears. I was _yelling_ now. It was a voice I didn't think I could conjure up and it terrified me to hear how intimidating I was.

The guy took a step towards me. He spit a wad of spit and blood on my chest. "I've seen hotter shemales in porn!" He whipped his hand away from his nose. It was already swollen, streaming with blood. "At least they look like girls? What are you supposed to look like? Some kind of ape?" I could've jumped on him and broken his neck. I could've choked him out. I could've clawed his eyes out before I even phased. I could've shredded his entire body until he was just bone. I could've mutilated his to less than roadkill.

"Le-Leah? Oh my god, what is going on?" A worried voice shouted over the deafening boom of the house. The door slammed. Karen came stumbling down the front steps, a red cup still in her hand. Her hair was frizzy and falling out of its elaborate updo, her ankles twisting haphazardly in her heels. The guy and i both stopped to stared at her as she slowed down, unbuckling her shoes. She let out a quiet burp. "What... What's happening... Leah? Dude, are you... are you _bleeding?"_

"Hi, Karen." I sighed. I felt the hot bubble in my chest disperse out into a puff of steam. I couldn't be mad at Karen. Her drunk wobbling was so funny, so innocent. She was just a drunk mortal at some party she'll only remember as a blurry mix of vodka and music and kissing. She'll grow old one day and fall in love over and over and over until she gets married and has kids and she'll be just like every other normal happy human.

"Oh my _god,"_ Karen burped again. "Do you need a _hospital?"_

"He can take himself if he needs to." I grumbled. "Come on, Karen."

"Babe, wait, no, shhh-" She slurred, looking over the guy's nose. She hazily stuck her hand out to touch his face. "What the fuck did you do to deserve _that?"_

"Piss off, you drunk skank." His voice rumbled.

"Really? Excuse me?" Karen rolled her eyes, drunkenly waving her arm in his direction like she was going to hit him, but she was too weak and missed. The weird guy stormed off into the house, glancing over his shoulder once to look at me, flipping the bird before disappearing back into the party. "Oh I see! Wha'd you say to me you-" Karen forgot what she was saying as she was saying it and her anger dissipated. She turned to me. Her eyes were smeared from where she had rubbed them. "Hey Lee Lee?"

"Yeah?" I replied.

"Can we get pizza on the way home or something...or just like... hmmm, breadsticks, yeah." Karen took a deep breath. "Your hand's... bleeding?"

"Nah, not mine." I told her. Normal human face bones were no match for my superhuman hand bones. If it had as much as opened the skin, my hand was already healed, just covered in his blood.

"Mmm." Karen nodded. "Shit babe, I'm fucking... plastered. What's it that British people say? _Knockered? Knackered!"_ She giggled at her stupid fake accent, mumbling something to herself.

"I dunno."

"Well I'm glad you punched that dude, 'specially since he called me uh... a skank. I'm not a skank, am I?" Karen rambled.

I laughed and shook my head. "No, you're not a skank."

She stumbled, grabbing ahold of my arm, smiling. "Thanks, babe."


	5. Chapter Four: Blindsided

**Chapter Four—Blindsided**

**AN: This is the make or break chapter. I'm expecting this to be heavy hitting. I'm not sure how many people I'm going to lose on this story and it could definitely hinder how many followers I get in the future. I just wanted to give you a heads up. The content itself isn't exactly "AU" since the information that we're given doesn't really say much about Leah, but this could be a big enough change to turn people off and I completely get it. I'm not mad, and I'm always open for commentary, just please don't comment angrily because of an opinionated choice and not a flaw in my writing. Love hearing from you guys! Have a lovely day!**

**Warning: Language, mild mentions of sex**

So this is the part of my story where I completely fucked up.

I spent most of my free time on the Saturday after the party texting that blonde girl during my shift at the store that I took on without really telling Mom. It was my way of making it up to her. Her name was Clara and she was a graduate of Forks High School. She said she used to run track and cross country. She also said she had a boyfriend named Trevor. She sent me pictures to prove she wasn't a catfish and of course, I did the same. She seemed incredibly _nice_ to me and I couldn't put my finger on why. Her texts came off way more genuine than the awkward selfies she had. She was the barista at a small hippie coffee shop on the edge of town, the only one in Forks, actually. She worked weird hours sometimes, but besides that, she promised she wasn't much on throwing wild parties. _Good. _I was still embarrassed to the point of nausea about the night before. She said as much as she liked having a good time, she was moving out of her current apartment complex because her roommates kept trashing the place.

We agreed to meet at the coffee place on Monday, after her morning shift at work.

Speaking of work, I managed to find myself a pretty decent gig not far from the college. There were a few boys up in Forks, two brothers and their friends, that did stuff like lawn work, fence painting, furniture moving, car washing and all that. They were hesitant about hiring me, me being a _girl_ from the _Rez._ Luckily the older one of them was good friends with Jacob so they knew his word was good. The brothers were sandy haired, the younger one being a senior and the older one a year or so behind me but a college dropout. There was a quiet Mexican boy that helped out too, and a stuffy white boy from the college who was a little bit too bossy for my liking. They set me up on Sunday with the Mexican kid to go help an elderly couple with their landscaping. They were nice, but a little uneasy about leaving us alone to work quietly. Our second job was to go help the Newton's paint their shed, which went a lot quicker than I expected, and they actually tipped us decently. Overall, if I could just convince them to give me a couple more jobs, I'd be making well over what I expected.

On Monday morning, my nerves were running wild and I didn't know why I remembered to do my yoga when I woke up, had a cup of tea, and went for a run. I still felt like my heart was racing. I tried to kill two birds with one stone and meditate under a cold shower, but I felt like a ticking time bomb, ready to go off at the next person that looked at me funny. The air was sticky with humidity and my hair stuck to my neck. We were assigned to go help some people move in their new mattress, which was a piece of cake with my extra strength, but we had to cancel on the old man that wanted his lawn cut. The sky was a thick grey color like smoke and we knew it would give out soon enough and become a storm.

I did the protocol my mom made me do when I was a teenager going to meet up with a friend, I told my mom where I was headed and I texted Seth to let him know in case I needed backup (not that a one-hundred pound blonde girl had much against me). I could handle myself pretty well. I tried to dress a little nicer than usual, putting on a pair of jeans with my boots, a tank top and a flannel shirt. Nothing special, just clean. I drove over to Forks around noon and the place wasn't that busy. I lingered in my car for just a bit, just in case, just so I knew I wasn't awkwardly early.

I can't exactly describe what happened when I walked into the coffee shop, but I'll try and put it into words best I can.

First, I ordered a latte. I didn't really survey my surroundings at all, I just sort of dazed off and ordered something random off the menu. I'm not big on coffee, I don't really even know exactly what a latte is made of, but I'd just be happy to put some caffeine in my veins. I made my way to a small table by the window, but before I sat down—

"Hi, are you Leah Clearwater?" A soft voice said as I approached a wooden table.

"Yeah, are you-" I blinked my eyes. My fingers loosened, dropping my cell phone on the spot.

My mouth fell wide open against my will. Sam said it was supposed to feel like a gravitational shift, Seth said it was supposed to feel like when you finally complete a one-thousand piece puzzle. I think it would be safe to compare my experience to being hit over the head unexpectedly with a baseball bat.

Suddenly, I couldn't hear anything. There was a ringing in my ears that overwhelm every thing around me. I couldn't hear people talking, I couldn't hear the traffic or the rain outside, I couldn't even hear a trace of the music. My eyes locked onto the girl's face and I felt like the whole earth stopped spinning for about a minute. The coffee shop disappeared around me. Nothing seemed to exist on the same plane of existence as me or her anymore. Not the chair I was about to sit in, not the table, not the coffee I had ordered out of pure politeness or my phone or the building or the street or my truck. All I could see was this... person staring in front of me. Suddenly, I felt like I wasn't here because of work or school. For a few seconds, it was like an elephant that had been sitting on my chest for my entire life just stood up. My heart was frantically pounding in my chest and I felt my knees grow weak. It was like fate did everything in its power to bring me to this spot right now, and that fate was going to do everything in its power to make things right for me.

I also think I was having a panic attack?

The girl had long bleached blonde hair that she had tied up in a ponytail. She was a petite girl, wearing high waisted ripped black jeans and a tie dye crop top with fringe and chunky earrings. Her eyes were hazel colored, like warm brown, then liquid gold swirled with green, the kind of green they make candy apples out of. My enhanced eyesight was the only reason I caught it. Her skin was bright and clear and flecked with tiny brown spots. Freckles, all over the bridge of her nose and her round, dimpled cheeks. Her hair, though bleached to get to that color, were with color of honey. It was like my brain took a snapshot before it completely shut off. Words spun around my mind like an angry blizzard, but I couldn't find words for her.

Yep, I was about to have a panic attack now.

"Oh my god, are you okay?" My feet stumbled backwards away from her as she reached for me. Her words were clear and melodic like a siren call. "Hey..." She said in a comforting, but hesitant voice.

"I... I'm sorry, I need to sit down." I clutched my hand to my chest to try and keep from hyperventilating. My legs slowly gave away as I lowered myself into the chair. I know completely well what's happening to me, I know deep down in the pit of my stomach what's going on, but it feels nothing like how I thought, so a part of me can pretend that I'm completely clueless, that maybe it really is my blood sugar.

"Do I need to go get help? Are you having chest pains?" The girl asked me, hovering over me beside the girl. "You look like you're gonna get sick."

"I'm just—I... can you go get me some water, please?" I gasped for air. "Don't worry, please, I think it's just... it's just my blood sugar, I think."

"Yeah, water, sure. Are you sure you're not in pain?" She coaxed. I nodded frantically. My mouth was so dry. _This can't be happening right now. _The room was still spinning. Were people staring? I looked down at my coffee cup, absently playing with it to make the coffee spin around the plastic. I tried to sneakily retrieve my phone. A few minutes later and the girl returned. She set something in front of me and I couldn't look away from her again. _Clara_, was her name. She's _gorgeous_. Even her _name_ seemed gorgeous. I'm being bombarded with emotions I've never felt before in my life.

"Here, water and a blueberry muffin on the house." She said, sliding in the seat across from me. Worry creased her smooth forehead. She seemed so... _genuine. Real. _"You're not allergic to blueberries or anything, are you?"

I shake my head and quickly break off a piece, eating in a frantic and unladylike manner. "I'm good. I'm sorry. Here, can I pay you back—"

She shook her head. "Don't worry, it's on my tab. No worries. Water's free anyways."

"Thanks." Was all I could spit out.

I had to make a physical effort to shut my mouth after each word to keep the drool in my mouth. I was sitting here like a complete buffoon. _What_ did this _mean?_ _What_ was I supposed to do? _What_ was I even feeling? _Why_ was this happening? _Why_ now? _Why_ her? Why _her_ of all people? I had questions that struggled to even materialize. My head was ringing with panic and it was like ever corner of my mind was filled with the static on a tv.

_I just imprinted on some poor, oblivious, human __girl at a coffee shop._

That was a lot of words to swallow. Firstly, I had just _imprinted._ _I didn't want to imprint_. I _never_ wanted this to happen to me, or to whoever was on the receiving end. I would've chosen to die alone over this. _It's not fair_. It's not... _natural._ _It's not supposed to happen like this._

Secondly, _her._ God, was I completely losing my mind? I tried to doubt myself, to wonder if maybe I accidentally imprinted on a guy on the other side of the store and Clara was just blocking my eye line. But no. _Clara._ A _girl. _I've never considered myself to be into girls, even the slightest bit. And I mean I've _never_ _ever_ been into girls before. Where did all of _that_ come from? I don't... _touch myself_ or anything to porn with lesbians in it. _Ugh_. Lesbians? Am I suddenly a _lesbian_ now? Did this mean that imprinting _only_ work on females? Wait, but Sam's theory was that imprinting was meant to strengthen the Quilute bloodline? How the _fuck was I supposed to "strengthen the bloodline" _with another girl? Was this anything to do with my missed period? When I dated Sam and all that once upon a time, we kissed, we dated, we had sex, we even talked about marriage one day, _maybe_, as a joke. But if anything, I thought I was pretty asexual, both up until I met him and after he left me for Emily. And I never really got a lot out of the sex that I _did_ have with Sam, and I never would've considered it if we hadn't been so close. I loved him more as my friend, as a partner, not because our sex. And I'm not looking for any of that right now, and even if I was, I wanted it the real and normal way.

It was like in the matter of a few seconds, I had my entire identity ripped apart like a wet paper towel and thrown at my feet.

I didn't like her. I didn't even know her. I didn't know anything about her, really. I didn't know her favorite color, I didn't know what kind of car she drove or what kind of job she wanted or where she wanted to live or what her mom's name was or what kind of dogs she liked. I didn't even know her middle name. But I knew deep down, there was a reason I couldn't take my eyes off of her. I couldn't stop feeling this painful stirring in the pit of my gut or the ringing in my ears. It wasn't love. I know what love feels like and it doesn't exactly feel like this. It's like... something else, something magnetic that I didn't have words for. Like I saw this person and suddenly I never wanted to spend the rest of my life without them. Like no matter what, I felt like I couldn't breathe or even imagine what being happy would feel like if I never got to see their smile again.

The blueberry muffin clogged my throat and was not helping one bit. I took a hearty drink of water but I tried to take my time composing my demeanor. It was like... it was like even the muscles in my face protested against me. "Sorry, um..." I closed my eyes and I could focus a bit. "I've been outside, working, and I think I just overexerted myself. No big deal."

When I opened my eyes, I saw her smile. Her teeth were slightly crooked, but seemed otherwise a bright white. She had dimples beneath her freckles. If I didn't know better, she could be a vampire. But she didn't smell like a vampire, she smelled more like coffee and table cleaner and roses and peaches and something else I couldn't put my finger on. Her scent was clearly the strongest in the room now.

"I'm sorry, I think we got off on the wrong foot." I shook my head. Every word felt carefully calculated. I wanted to run. Right now, I wanted to strip my clothes and phase into the woods. I needed to be as far away from this room as possible so that I could think.

Clara looked curiously at my face. I watched carefully as her long eyelashes fluttered. "I just want to make sure you're okay."

"I'm great. Like I said, it was just a little dizzy spell. I get them sometimes" I nodded slowly. "I'm Leah Clearwater."

Her head tilted thoughtfully, still smiling. "Clara Graves." Her voice was like silk. "It's really nice to meet you Leah."

"Thanks." I said, forcing myself to stare at the table. Blood was rushing to my face. _God, did she know?_ "So um... you're a student at the community college, right? What are you studying."

She shrugged her shoulders. "Visual communications. The last two semesters were hard hitting for me, but I figured out that marketing isn't so bad. I was really into art when I was in high school and I realized I think I wouldn't mind doing it for work. What about you?"

"I uh," I cleared my throat. "I'm mostly taking GenEd classes right now. I've sort of considered maybe computer science or tech or something like that. I was in programming club in high school so..."

"Oh, in Forks?" Clara asked.

"No, on the reservation." I said. I wavered for a second. "It wasn't _really_ a club, just me and a bunch of underclassmen boys and my brother doing coding after school. I was the only one that really kept it up after graduation. I took some time off for... personal stuff, you know?"

"I get that." She nodded. "Were you related to Dr. Clearwater?"

"Yeah, he was my dad." I blurted out.

Her expression shifted to more uncomfortable. "I'm so sorry. I heard about what happened a few years back. I remember seeing him in the newspaper."

I shook my head reassuringly. "It's fine. He... he had a massive heart attack, it was really out of nowhere." She still didn't seem convinced that she hadn't hurt my feelings so I tried to smile, but it was weak. "My mom actually got to open her own business now that he's gone. She does a lot of weaving and stuff and now she can make money off of it, so that's pretty cool. But yeah, now it's just us three now. But I'm really trying to get out of there ASAP."

"I'm kinda hoping to move up to Seattle one day, maybe finish school up there and get a job..." She sighed, her eyes gazing out the window. "...except I'm... kind of caught in a lease right now. I know I told you some of it over text and stuff, but I've got nine more months before I can leave. The landlord's kind of an ass, but it's a two bedroom, one bathroom place on the second floor. Rent's not bad, but it's not manageable with one person and my boyfriend won't leave his mom's place." She rolled her eyes.

_Oh yeah._ I remembered. She had a _boyfriend_. Well, wasn't this just getting worse for me by the second. "Uh, how much is it?" I asked, shifting uncomfortably.

"$950 a month. If we split it, it's $475." She explained. "I get paid minimum wage here. I usually work the afternoon shift, except for today, stay to clean until about ten, four days a week. It's not much after taxes and I'd basically starve to death without a roommate."

"How do you even have time for classes? Or sleep?" I asked, half joking.

She shrugged. "Morning and online classes. And the employee discount here doesn't hurt." Clara laughed lightly. "What about you? Where do you work?"

"I got a job with the Marks' boys. It's landscaping and lawn stuff, stuff old people can't do on their own. It pays pretty good when it doesn't become a downpour like today." I said.

We talked for a long time and slowly, I felt myself become less clumsy and awkward around her. She was cool and comfortable and I easily molded into that same state as I listened to her talk. We discussed laundry and chores and some of the downsides with her place. There was basically no yard, the walls were paper thin, the shower head was broken, the laundry room had rats, and sometimes the power would shut off at random. That's why rent was under a grand a month. I felt like no matter what though, I wasn't going to be leaving this conversation without telling her I was down to move in. It wasn't about Seth or Mom or college anymore. I just couldn't bear the thought that somehow I would be immensely hurt if I told her I couldn't move in with her, like I would physically _die_ if there was any chance I wouldn't get to see her ever again. That was kind of a gross feeling, but a feeling I had no way of ignoring. We hopped in her car, a clean little red Toyota, and drove a few miles over to her apartment. It was kind of sad and grungy on the outside, but decently kept up on the inside. She didn't have a lot of stuff in the cramped place, but she definitely had left her mark on the place. Little flowerpots and succulents, black and white pictures on the walls, cute soap dishes and personalized coffee cups. I couldn't bear to say no to her. Saying goodbye to her was painful, even if I knew we had agreed on terms and that I'd be moving my stuff in a few days anyways, but I told myself that I needed space away from her for now. I needed to process all of this.

I was sitting outside my house in the front seat of my car, shivering, spiders digging into my skin all over my body, and I just sat and tried to bear the pain. The rain had relaxed to a trickle down off the trees. I wasn't cold, but I wrapped my flannel shirt tighter around me, watching droplets fall off evergreen branches onto my windshield. Mom's store was a stout building with a flat roof. I watched as the rain drained down the lip of the eaves into the muddy path between our house into puddles. Our shabby brown colored house was just as dreary looking with its barren patches that was supposed to be flower beds. It looked so dark, like no one even lived there, with only a wreath on the door and a single planter with flowers in it hanging on the porch. But even the soft patter of rain didn't calm me down. I couldn't breathe, like the elephant was sitting back down on my chest again, crushing all of my internal organs like a soda can. I don't know how long I was sitting there before Seth came out and knocked on my window. I rolled it down quietly.

"Leah? Are you okay?" He asked. He stepped back clumsily. It felt like I had lockjaw. It was all I could do to stare at him. "You look like you're about to phase."

I shook my head.

"Can I come it?" He asked. I rolled up my window. Seth yanked the passenger door open. "Come on, Leah, you're going to hurt yourself or wreck your car." He pleaded.

My arms wrapped around my middle and I hunched over, my forehead resting on the steering wheel. "I can't phase._ I can't._ I can't... not right now, I can't phase." I squeezed my eyes shut and took long, deep breaths. I thought my knuckles might actually break the wheel. "I can't phase because I can't have people in my head right now. I can't let Sam know-I can't tell the others-"

"What? What happened? Did it go really bad?" He asked softly.

"Yes!" I shouted. "No! I don't know! I don't know!"

"Shh, Leah, what is it? What's wrong?" When I didn't answer, he ran around the car and hopped in the passenger seat. "Are you okay? Did it go really bad? Was she mean to you?"

I shook my head.

"What happened then?" He demanded.

"I don't want to talk about it, okay!" I exclaimed. I felt my eyes filling with hot tears. _No crying, Leah. You can't cry right now._

'It's okay, you can talk to me. You can tell me about it. Come on, what happened?" He wasn't angry or demanding, just annoying and pestering.

"Seth, just stop it!" My voice broke into a cry. "Leave me alone!"

"Jeez, are you on your own period or something?" Seth said under his breath. That hurt worse than anything else he could've said.

"Shut up, okay!" I shouted. I whipped my head around to get a look at him. My face felt hot and flushed. "I _imprinted!_ I imprinted when I was up in Forks! Are you happy?!"

The color drained from his face. "What? You're crying because you _imprinted?_ Why are you upset? I thought... maybe you'd wanted to imprint on someone."

"Do I look like I wanted to imprint?!" My eyes betrayed me and I coughed up a fresh set of tears.

"I'm sorry, I shouldn't have said that." Seth mumbled, folding his hands in his lap. We sat quietly for a couple of minutes. I tried to hide my tears behind my hair and Seth tried to comfortingly rub circles on my back. "If you want to talk about it, we can talk about it."

I shook my head. "I'm... fine, I think. I just... I can't process all of this right now."

"Who is he?" Seth asked politely.

I shook my head. "Seth... it's.. _complicated."_

"How can it be complicated? It wasn't complicated for me." He shook his head. "Was he an old guy? Is he married or something?"

I groaned. I couldn't move to look at him. "Seth, it's not like that."

"Like what?" He asked curiously.

His naiveté was irritating. _"Seth!_ Are you an idiot?" I demanded. "It wasn't a guy!"

"Not a guy?" He asked. "Oh. You mean like... like a _girl." _His voice was already weird and unsettled.

"Yeah." I sighed, dragging my palm across my face. "It's my roommate. It's... it's Clara, that I told you about."

"But, wait, how does that work?" Seth asked, still somewhat unfazed by my announcement. "I thought this whole imprinting thing... I thought it was supposed to be about strengthening ourselves and strengthening our bloodlines or whatever... but if you imprinted on a girl... and you can't reproduce... how does _that_ work?"

"I don't _fucking_ know, Seth!" I shouted. "I don't know _why_ this happening! I don't _want_ this to be happening!" I smacked my hands against the steering wheel over and over again. "I've basically gone and messed up the rest of my life! I've messed up _her_ life!"

He didn't say anything. He just rested his hand on my shoulder, giving it a squeeze. "I know you're not happy right now and I feel for you." Seth said. "You probably don't want me to tell you what you should or shouldn't want, but maybe you just need time to breath. And to think all of this over. But it's gonna be okay. You just... have to feel all of this stuff first, ya know?" Seth was never great at reassuring speeches, but I knew he meant to be supportive. I just hurt too bad to let myself feel that support.

"Please don't tell Mom. I don't want her knowing that her daughter-" I groaned into the steering wheel.

"I won't!" He said. "I wouldn't do something like that to you."

"And don't tell the others." I added.

"I won't." He said in a quieter voice. "But... you kinda already told me. And... won't they hear it? I mean, someone's probably going to ask why you haven't phased in a while and then they'll ask me and... and what if I can't help it? What if I can't stop myself?"

That was like a fresh punch in the face. "I'll... I'll tell Sam, and maybe Jacob, I don't know... I don't really care about the others that much. I just... I don't want them to say stuff about me... or about her... or..." My voice trailed off.

"Maybe we could like... make a party out of it or something? I know Emily baked me a cake when I imprinted, maybe we can just get it over with and move on, right?" His voice was optimistic.

As embarrassed as I was, I had to ask him for his dating advice. "How did you do it? Like you saw her, you imprinted, you... asked her out or something?"

"Yeah, I mean we talked for a couple months... and it was just like..." Seth shook his head. "I don't know, it was like something I had never felt before. And she said the same thing, so I talked to Sam about it, and he said I could tell her, so I just... I worked it out and she was... I mean, you remember what happened." Jenny didn't take it all that great at first. But Seth, as lonesome and lovestruck as he was, persisted and answered all of her questions until she finally came around. And then they were nearly inseparable all over again. I didn't even know what I _wanted_ to do with Clara yet.

"Should I... maybe go then?" Seth asked.

I nodded quietly. As soon as his door shut, I locked my truck. My knuckles digging into the steering wheel and I screamed. I screamed as loud and as hard as I could until my lungs couldn't bear it any longer. I screamed until my throat was raw and I had worn out every emotion I had ever felt and I punched my steering wheel until it dented, leaving my hands bleeding for a few minutes.


	6. Part II

Maybe I used to fantasize about imprinting.

Before I sat down and realized the ethical issues with imprinting, I imagined what it might've felt like, what he might've looked like.

I guess I had this stock image of some Native guy with washboard abs and nice teeth and kind eyes. Or maybe some cool white skater guy with long hair and a beard. I dunno, that was just kind of the best thing I could come up with.

Before then, the only person I had ever been in love with was Sam.

Sometimes I kept dreaming about Sam.

I'm still trying to figure out how this happened


	7. Chapter Five: Daze

**AN: sorry for the slow update on this one! I'm doing a lot of thinking about where I'm going to go with this story and I had about 3 different ideas for the antagonist and I had to choose and plan it out and all that before I could publish this chapter, blah blah blah, ANYWAYS... in other news, this title for this story was really meant to be a working title. I want to change it to something that fits the story better but I don't want people to not be able to find it.**

**Chapter Five—Daze**

Warning: Language

It has been... a week since I've imprinted. I have the world's most killer headache ever. I am currently sleeping on the couch at home. The power in the apartment suddenly shut off not long after I imprinted and we don't know why. Clara said it was the whole building and that it would get fixed soon. Just another perk of living in an old building on the Olympic Peninsula with only a few thousand people. My stuff has been moved, leaving me without a bed, but Clara told me to wait until the power got switched on again. This was apparently the longest she had ever gone without power and she was panicking to get things sorted out.

I've managed to pull myself off the couch a few times. Seth has basically been at my aid these past three days, driving me to and from work, making me scrambled eggs and peanut butter sandwiches (poor kid doesn't know how to cook much else without setting the house on fire), helping me move my stuff to my new apartment, and just generally helping me with chores. He checks on me to make sure I don't fall in the shower. When I have nothing else to do, all I can manage is to let the tv drone on between different programs. My body is so stiff and my joints feel swollen. Even little movements cause me to ache. I'm not completely useless at work, but I feel sluggish, like I'm moving in slow motion. It feels like every time I look at the clock, I've lost hours of my own time. I'm wondering if this is genetic.

I've only heard from Clara once since the power went out.

I'm guessing she doesn't want her phone to die, or it's already dead by now. I had already moved all of my stuff to the apartment in the empty bedroom and she just texted me to check up on me. Everything feels... weird. I don't think it's Seth's fault that everything tastes funny or that my mouth feels full of cotton and my jaw is locked in place.

It's been a week. Seth is doing rounds where he phases in short bursts to get out all his energy at random hours, like 4am or 3pm when no one else is phased. He's not bothered by it really, or he's not acting like it. I've got all this time to process my thoughts, but none of them make sense and I keep coming up with more and more questions. But Seth's not complaining right now or begging that I talk to the others about what went down.

Part of me is okay with this. I'm okay with just laying here, as still as possible, watching old reruns of Seinfeld or Friends because it makes me feel nothing. I just want to sleep and work and take a hot shower and sleep some more and check my phone every two minutes to make sure Clara hasn't called me to tell me that the power is back on. I figured out the first night that I have to take melatonin and liquid Benadryl to knock me out before bed and keep me from having vivid lucid dreams about her. I can't open my laptop because I know I'm going to see the emails I had open from my student account where her photos are attached.

But there's another part of me. It's the part of me that wants to rip the couch in two. I want to scream and kick a hole in the drywall. I just want to break everything in sight and maybe even myself. The spiders have actually been manageable. If anything, since I imprinted, I feel like I'm better at ignoring them instead of surpressing them. I can let them linger over my arms and hands and still sit on the couch, eating popcorn, without worrying that I'm going to hurt someone.

The house phone rang one morning. I didn't have any work that day due to the rain, which I was a bit disappointed about. My cocktail of Benadryl and melatonin was still thick in my blood. I was curious as to what the dosage I was taking would do to a regular human. Would probably send them to a hospital, if I was a betting person.

"It's Karen Spiel." Mom said, the phone against her chest. "She said you're not answering your phone."

I had seen the missed calls from her, of course, but I felt like the only thing I would get out of Karen was how I ruined the party by fighting that guy or not returning her clothes or something petty like leaving her home drunk.

"Tell her I'm asleep." I said, numbly, pulling an afghan up to my chin. I could tell Mom was making that face where she purses her lips all weirdly and sighs when she's massively disappointed. Like "Seth going to summer school" disappointed. I was surprised when she wordlessly thrust the phone into my hand. "Hello?" I quipped.

"What the _hell_ happened, Leah?" Karen's screechy voice demanded. "Jesus, I don't even remember half of what happened last week but you _punched _my weed dealer and stole my dress?!"

"I didn't—" I let out a sigh, closing my eyes. "I have your dress. I'm in the process of moving—"

"You _punched_ my _weed dealer." _Her voice was shrill. "Come on, man, you straight up assaulted a guy!"

"I know, I know—" I bolted upright, rubbing my face. "Okay, well is he pressing charges or something? Did he go to the police?"

"I don't know." She remarked. "But he won't sell me shit after you broke his nose!"

"Okay, okay!" I said. "What should I do? Am I supposed to go hunt this guy down and apologize?"

"I don't know, maybe he has a Facebook or a MySpace or something." Karen said. "You didn't catch his name, did you?"

"Karen, he's _your_ drug dealer." I said, tossing my head back against the back of the couch. "Don't _you_ know his name?"

"No, _Leah_, I didn't_ ask." _She snapped. "It's a small town, he goes to a lot of parties, he's in my algebra class, I dunno. Jesus, can't you just stop being selfish and apologize for once?"

The reciever went dead and I was more confused than before. I blinked my eyes clear. _Yep, there's the Karen I went to high school with. _Better yet, now I had some guy, possibly trying to press charges on me. _Great. Awesome. Exactly what I need right now._

I barely had time to lay back down and push that out of my mind when I was interrupted. "What has gotten into you?" Mom demanded, her hands on her hips. It shocked me how much energy she suddenly had to be angry. _Jeez._ And here I thought she wouldn't even notice that I was falling apart, much less care.

"Huh?" I asked, sitting back up.

"You're just laying around the house moping. You're not even doing anything. What, are you depressed or something?" She said in a lecturing voice. "Do you need to see Dr. Cullen and have him prescribe you something?"

I stared at her, absolutely bewildered. "Excuse me?" I asked. It occurred to me that no matter how hypocritical it seemed for her to be worried about my current lethargic state, she had no idea what happened. She didn't know that I imprinted. She didn't know that I was in the height of my midlife crisis at twenty-one. "Mom, I've... I've got something going on right now, okay?"

"Leah, do you want to talk about it?" Her voice softened a bit, sitting down on the couch beside me. "What's going on, honey?"

I rubbed my head. "It's... Mom, it's complicated and I don't want to talk about it right now." I took a deep breath. She was waiting patiently for my answer. "I'm... I'm going through something right now and I just need to get through it first."

Her face sunk. "I know you went to that party last week, and now Karen's calling the house all frantically and... I just want to make sure you're not hurt or something, you've been sleeping so much." She wasn't angry, but her voice exuded such an intense disappointment that I knew she was seriously hurt by whatever was bothering me. "No one hurt you, did they?"

"No, Mom," I shook my head. "No one hurt me."

"And you're not... you're not doing drugs or anything?" She tilted her head. "I mean, I know with your whole... _condition_ things work differently for you. I know you and your brother have wicked metabolisms, but..."

"No, I'm not doing drugs." I shook my head. "I'm okay, Mom. Really. It's just... drama."

"Drama?"

I shook my head with more emphasis. "I'm okay. Seriously."

Her eyebrows raised. "You're still moving though, right? The drama isn't with... with that girl, right?"

"No." I cut in. "It's fine."

Mom only seemed half-satisfied with my answer. She patted my leg. "Why don't you run over to the apartment? I know the power's out, but you could still go visit with... what was her name?"

"Clara." My throat hurt saying her name.

"Clara." Mom repeated. "Right, well, you could still go say hi to her."

"Right." I nodded. I didn't want to bring up the fact that my steering wheel roughly resembled an elongated donut bent in half. Mom was giving me this look like she was going to stare at me until I walked out the door (she did, by the way). I had to make a stop by Billy Black's house and have Jacob do god-knows-what to my steering wheel to fix it. It wasn't a perfect fix, but I also wasn't paying him, so that was as good as it was going to get.

I actually managed to surprise myself with the fact that I didn't know what I was feeling. I literally pulled my car into the local gas station just to give my brain a few more minutes to come up with a word. What the hell was I feeling? I was feeling _something_. It was like a parasite, gnawing at my intestines, cramping and making me feel like I was always on the verge of throwing up. My heart was racing nonstop and my head was throbbing all over. None of the other pack members complained of this kind of illness. I went in and bought two slushees, one red and one blue, and continued pondering what I could possibly be feeling. At best, I felt like an emotional soup. Like a crockpot filled with anger and sadness and confusion and relief and... happy? Was I happy? Was I _supposed_ to feel happy? Was I _allowed_ to be happy about all of this? Emotionally, I didn't think the slushees would help, but it gave me an excuse to delay the inevitable.

Clara was at the apartment. We were on the edge of the town, almost as soon as you cross the bridge to come in. We were closer the Cullens than the reservation, which... made me kind of uneasy and I didn't know why. There was a thick patch of woods surrounding the parking lot. Good, in case I ever needed to phase. She answered the door, a little shocked to see me, but she quickly put on a smile. She didn't have work until later, so she didn't have makeup on and she was wearing red and gold Forks High School booty shorts and a white t-shirt. Her long blonde hair was in a messy bun at the nape of her neck. She also didn't have any contacts in and was instead had on a pair of thick black frames. "Hey! What... what's up? Are you moving stuff? Do I need to grab my shoes and help you?" She asked, really only sticking her head out the door.

"N-no, I just came by the say hi." I stammered. She was _so much_ prettier than I remembered. It was actually like a perfect 180 degree spin; now, as I'm standing in this dingy, humid, rank hallway on the second floor tucked under the awning, I'm wondering if I can even muster up the energy to be angry at myself. I couldn't bear the thought to beat myself up over this. I couldn't actually bear to think about anything right now. My brain shut off completely. I could actually feel my headache and my nausea taper off for a moment. I was actually kinda hungry. "I, er, I brought you a slushee. I didn't know if you wanted blue or red."

She bit her lip and gave a little laugh. "That's really sweet of you, actually!" For a moment, I could see her eyes flicker with hesitation and thought before picking the blue one. She nodded into the apartment. "You can come on in. I mean, you live here now. I was in the middle of some homework, but I really didn't want to do it anyways. Damn WiFi's out so I can't do any of my online work." The whole place was dark, except for the bright light shining in the big window across from the door, flooding the living room and kitchen with light. The coffee table was covered in papers and drawing and pens of every color you could imagine. She also had candles burning in every available surface. The room was warm and welcoming and smelled faintly of eucalyptus and peppermint. Clara plopped down on the floor where she had presumably been sitting and took a sip of her slushee.

"Wouldn't your world have WiFi you can use?" I suggested.

Clara shrugged. "Yeah but I can't focus over there. I already have to charge my phone when I'm there. It's just so loud and my coworkers wanna talk and stuff." She said.

"You know, there might be some boys on the Rez that could come take a look at the breaker." I suggested.

She shook her head. "It's no biggie. Mark, the landlord, he's waiting on a part or something to be shipped from like China. It's all good though. He said it should be back on by tonight. So what's up with you, huh?"

"Not much, really." I shook my head, trying to hold back an awkward smile. _Thinking about you nonstop?_ "Just cooped up at home with my brother and working. Wait, you said you had homework already?"

"Yeah," she sighed and shook her head. "Technically I'm in the art division and they start like a month early. It's weird."

"So... you're into art, huh." I remarked, leaning over the coffee table to look at her drawings.

"Oh they're not that great, it's just thumbnails." Her cheeks turned red and she began shuffling through her papers. "I'm working on some designs for a fake beer company, it's a mess..."

"No, they're pretty cool." I mentioned, grabbing a stray one before she took it. Just like she said, it was a sample of a beer company logo. The name was kind of silly, "Granny Apple Tappery." Her line work was smooth and clean and her handwriting was actually really pretty.

"It's really not." She pointed over her shoulder to a painting on the wall that I hadn't even noticed. It looked like an oil painting of a greek goddess playing with a little boy. "I used to make real painting and art. It's Artemis and Cupid. I did it back my... senior year of high school, I think?"

I looked at it a little bit closer. Yep, it was hand crafted and nearly perfect, but there were tiny imperfections on it. "You _made_ this?" I asked, shocked. "And you're going into _marketing?"_

She laughed nervously, her face still red as she looked away. "Thanks, it's really no biggie though."

"I like it." I said. "You got any more?"

"Um," She pointed across the room above what looked like a makeshift liquor cabinet made out of a short bookshelf. "I made the one over there." It was thick and abstract paint splattered over a square canvas. I couldn't make out the colors that great, and I'll be honest, I really don't get abstract art, but it was fun. "I made that one in my Color Theory class."

"Oh yeah?" I tilted my head. "What's your favorite color?"

We both laughed. She took a thoughtful sip of her slushee and pushed her glasses back up on her nose. "I don't know. Pink, maybe? I really like pink. What about you?"

"I dunno." I shrugged. "Red, I guess. Like. burgundy red, not firetruck red."

Clara nodded. "Cute." She leaned back against the couch. "I wish I had more time to paint for fun and stuff, not just for work. This stuff is fun, but there's too many limits and stuff."

"Did you make anything over the summer?" I asked.

"I did, kind of, but I haven't hung anything up yet. I dunno if you'd like any of it." Her voice was a little embarrassed. "I sold some stuff too for some extra cash too."

"I'm not interrupting your work, am I?" I asked nervously.

"Nah, you seem cool. And thanks... for the um, for the drink too. You didn't have to get me anything though, but that was so thoughtful..." Clara smiled reassuringly. "What kind of food do you like? I'm er, I should probably tell you that I'm kind of vegan, but I'm cool with you eating whatever. But just so you know, I'm not getting paid for another three days and all I have in the pantry to black bean soup and Brussels sprouts."

There had to be something hilarious about all this, somewhere. I've managed to fall head-over-heels for some sweet little five-foot-one girl I just met last week and I just happened to get a _hippie_. It definitely was a little off-putting, but it was so charming to me. I couldn't help but smile. She might've been an absolute cliche, but I found her so fascinating. I would've payed all my savings to sit in a room with her and just listen to her talk to me and tell me all about her life. This entire mess felt completely out of my control and my head was foggy and confused and right now, amidst being caught in this confused whirlwind of feelings again, I just wanted to let myself give in. I wanted to collapse in this. The hurt of being angry and being full of sadness didn't even feel worth it. Now, I'm sitting here, wondering if I'm _supposed_ to feel angry, if I can even muster up my anger and grief. It feels impossible. I _know_ how I'm supposed to feel, but I... can't. I can't feel that around her.

"You don't have to buy food for me or anything, if that's what you're saying." I shook my head. _She has a boyfriend, Leah. _The voice in the back of my head nagged. _You don't even have a chance. _I'm starting to realize how selfish I am. When you imprint you're supposed to be whatever you partner _needs_ at that moment, not what they _want. _There's no guarantee that you fall in love with them, you don't get to sign a contract. It's absurd of me to start concocting any kind of fantasy about her. It's absurd of me to _want to. _Wait, do I _want to?_Maybe she doesn't even need me yet, and I mean that in every sense of the word. And right now, I don't even know what _I_ want out of this, if I'm even ready to want this. I'm starting to wonder if maybe I just wanted a warm body and someone to talk to me nicely. Is that selfish? I can't find the line here.

"Oh come on, it could be fun. Seriously, I have to go get some food soon though. I've got salad, if you like salad, and that's about it." Clara said. She bit the inside of her lip and turned her head back to her drink. "I honestly don't eat much... but I mean, if you need notebooks or bedsheets or anything..."

"I.. _think_ I have everything, but if you've really got some time to kill, sure, we could head out sometime." I agreed. "I don't usually spend the gas to come all the way out to Forks. You could, you know, show me around this place or whatever."

A smirk turned up on her lips. "Oh yeah," she seemed a bit sarcastic. "All, what, four miles of it?"

I realized how much I liked hearing her laugh.


	8. Chapter Six: Out

**Chapter Six—Out**

**Warning: mild sexual references, swearing**

You really have to be a special kind of person to live in Forks. After a while, the never ending rain seems to energize you and you ignore it like you would anything else.

I am not one of those people. I've been staring at the same three errors in my code that's due at eleven tomorrow morning for over an hour now and I can't think straight.

I've been sitting on my bed with only my lamp on just listening as the rain pounds on the rooftop. The problem is, I can't figure out why this is happening. Part of me, and I'm sure this is the part of me that's nothing but a selfish misogynist, that can't stop thinking about the fact that on the other side of my wall, Clara let her boyfriend spend the night. I tried not to listen. She even gave me several hours notice and apologized for the noise. Look, I've never met the guy. I'm sure he's nice or whatever. I want to be happy for her, but it's like... it's like it's physically painful. _Jesus, I am not entitled to these feelings._ _I'm. Not. Entitled. To. Her._ Clara is entitled to her own life, and her own business, and her own happiness. I need to just shut up and not insert myself here. She clearly doesn't need me, so why do I feel the need to insert myself into her life? Why do I feel like I'm authorized to know everything about her? That's not how this fucking works. I don't get to imprint and suddenly own her as a person. So why am I feeling... jealous, that I'm not getting her attention.

It's just the rain now. I feel... embarrassed. Hurt? Jealous. Saddened. Annoyed. _Disappointed? Yeah, in myself. _

I think I've been staring at this online thesaurus for at least twenty minutes just trying to figure out my feelings. I heard that's what you do in therapy.

It's the middle of the night and I can't sleep. I just finished the melatonin gummies in my jar and I should probably have to be hospitalized if I tried to open another package, but I still don't feel anything. I didn't have much left anyways. My bank account is starting to severely suffer from this whole imprinting thing.

Surely no one else was phasing right now.

Surely they were all snuggled up to their imprintees by now (except Brady, poor kid). I didn't want to be seen by Clara or the boy, so I decided to climb out on our shared balcony and try and land in the bushes. I kind of ate shit on the pavement, but it hurt more than it messed me up. I had to find out the hard way that we have motion sensor activated lights in the parking lot and um... well, let's just say, I hope I didn't flash any of the neighbors. I tossed my pajamas on the ground beside me so I would pick them back up. It hurt a bit, I won't lie, and not just because I landed face-first onto asphalt five minutes ago. I scarcely had decent control over my phasing at this point and I've had too many scares lately, but as I was standing there naked, I couldn't bring it out. I closed my eyes, letting the rain dampen my hair and fall over my shoulders. But of all the times, now was not the time to ground myself.

When it finally hit me, it was like an explosion all at once. I fell onto all fours, my hands and knees digging into the sticks and pine needles that littered the ground. It didn't feel like there were spiders under my skin; it felt like I was being eaten alive by tarantulas. God, it hurt worse than the first time I phased, and even with the boys hadn't been there, I thought I was going to _die._ An unfamiliar noise escaped my mouth as I buried my head, trying to escape this pain. My joints were so stiff and it felt like I had to break my bones to get myself into wolf form. My voice became a frantic snarl and my neck began twitching against my control. I felt like my neck might even snap. My whole body was on fire with heat and sweat. I couldn't hold back from screaming. My screaming quickly faded to the snarl of a wolf and my snarls became loud, fierce growls. I let out a howl before I started funning.

My skin felt like it was swollen and still on fire. My legs were long and awkward for a few seconds, but I'm fast at picking up. I started running with no goal in mind, just weaving between trees and dodging branches. I'm definitely going to need a haircut if this is going to become a thing I start doing. I forgot how much I love running, how the water just flies off of me and the wind deafens my ears. I heard nothing. Everyone must be asleep by now. The only voice I was left with was my own voice, panting frantically, rhythmically as my heavy feet hit the ground. _Faster, faster, faster..._ my head was spinning. I could be running in circles for all I knew. One wrong move, and I would run headlong into a tree. That would definitely leave me with a few broken vertebrae. Every time my feet touched off from the dirt, I felt like I was flying. I felt like I was always one hard kick away from soaring through the trees and away from the planet. Tears were clouding my vision, but I didn't crash. It felt like my body knew how to lead me by instinct rather than ability.

The sun was starting to come up. I could barely tell with how dense the trees were but it wasn't as dark as before and the rain was lightening to a stop. I don't know how far I had made it, but things felt... weird. _Familiar._ The smell of wolf was beginning to overpower my nostrils. My feet didn't want to slow down. With my entire weight, I forced myself to skid to a complete stop.

_"Leah?"_

_"Goddamnit!" _My body slammed full force into a tree. _I made it all the way to LaPush? _I howled with pain and something cracked. My body managed to cower down, the pain washing over me. It wasn't long before my ribs realigned themselves, the bruises already fading. I hacked and coughed, my pajamas falling to the forest floor, trying to regain my composure but at the same time, I let the pain wash over me and engulf my mind. _Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. Don't think. _

_"Jesus, can you stop screaming for a second?" _

Sam, as hateful as ever.

The pain was gone, but I tried to maintain the emotion. Pure, blinding anguish, just long enough that I could phase back. But I couldn't phase back. _Goddamnit, why can't I phase back?!_

_"Leah, I want to talk to you."_ The black figure emerged from the trees. I bared my teeth at him.

_"Back it up, Alpha-boy."_ I growled. _Why am I not phasing back?_

_"We need to talk about the girl." _His voice snarled.

_Girl. Girl... __My__ girl._ Pictures, flashes, appeared in front of my eyes. _He knew. Goddamnit, he knew everything. _I let out a hiss at him. His eyes were completely black and staring right into me. I was completely backed into a tree. We were circling, never breaking eye contact.

_"Leah-"_

_"Don't." _I growled.

_"You didn't tell me."_

_"Oh I'm sorry, am I supposed to run it by you every time I talk to someone?"_

_"I'm your __Alpha__, Leah."_

_"You're the fucking Beta, first off." _His teeth bared, he snapped towards my neck. _"I would've told you if I wanted you to know."_

_"I have the right to know." _He announced. _"You run this by me."_

_"I don't have to run __shit__ by you." _I told him.

_"What? Did you think you could hide this from me forever?" _Sam snarled.

_"Well I was going to tell you. What? Are you happy? Does it make you feel better knowing you made me crash just so you could yell at me over this?" _

His mouth closed and I could see his teeth grit behind his lip, the muscles in his neck flexing. _"Why were you hiding this from me?"_

_"I don't have to answer to you."_ I replied. Honestly, I was so blind with rage, I had no thoughts left to hide. _"Maybe because I thought you would throw me into a tree and break my ribs!"_

He took a deep breath. I could see pictures swimming around his mind, a mix of hazy memories and imaginative scenarios. It was us, back when we were dating, before Emily came into our lives. I could see a blurred image that roughly resembled Clara's face.

_"Get her the fuck out of your head!"_ I snarled viciously at him, but he seemed rather unfazed at me. _"SHUT UP! You stay away from her!" _I guess deep down I knew he had little control, but the images... I felt violated. I felt like _she_ had been violated by his imagination.

_"What?"_ His voice was grossly calm. _"Come on, you used to complain about me and Emily. I can't help it." _Maybe he was earnest but it felt like a taunt.

_"LOOK, I get it, but it's different." _I snapped. It was like the more I told him to stop, the more he saw. _"Stop it. Stop it. I said stay away from her!"_

_"I can't help it!"_ No way. No way he wasn't trying to incite a fight. I jumped at him, my teeth sinking into his shoulder. He was bigger than me, twisting around and grabbing me by the scruff. His teeth cut into my skin and he knocked me into the dirt, his heavy paw pinning me down. _"How? How is it different?"_

I thrashed my head, spitting saliva on his muzzle. I let out a loud yelp. _"You never treated me like your equal."_

_"You __aren't__ my equal." _He told me. _"You were never meant to be equal."_

_"Is that why you're upset?" _I spat. _"I found someone that respects me as a human being and doesn't see me as a burden? An outsider? I found someone that, as far as you or I am concerned, treats me with basic human decency and respect?" _

He was deadly silent. He shifted his body, holding a firm grip on my chest. _"I'll respect you when you give it back to me."_

_"Get off of me."_ I demanded. _"Don't you ever touch me again, do I make myself clear?" _Sam's black eyes stared right into me like he was trying to use mind tricks or telepathy to control me. _"I SAID, DO I MAKE MYSELF CLEAR?"_

_"As loud as day." _He backed away from me.

_"And leave Clara alone and out of this."_

_"You know I can't hurt her even if I wanted to."_

_"You know what I meant."_

Our thoughts clashed. _He was jealous of me. Why? He's got his own wife, a baby on the way. He's spent years acting like he wouldn't care if I got mowed over by a semi on the highway. He's got all the power he wants over his boys on the Rez. Why me? Why was he taking all of this out on me all of a sudden?_

_"You know why." _Sam gnashed his teeth. _"Just because I'm in love with Emily doesn't mean I didn't love you any less. Don't you know how hard it was for me to lose you after I imprinted?"_

_"OH BOO FUCKING HOO!"_ I barked. _"I've been in your head for over two years now, you acted like you deserved an award for being a martyr because you 'let' me into the pack against your will! You never accepted me for who I was! You never gave me any kind of dignity! You painted me up to be some kind of lousy ex-girlfriend whose whole world revolved around you!"_

_"MAYBE if you didn't ACT LIKE IT! Where's __my__ respect? As your __Alpha,__ as a __mentor,__ I looked after you Leah and you had nothing but spite and biterness! DOn't forget who helped you through your first phase, who helped you through your father's death!"_

_"YOUR respect? You saw me as less capable than you because of my sex!"_

_"I never saw you as lesser because of your sex, I saw you as lesser because of your weaker capabilities!"_

_"You never wanted me around! You chalked me up as lesser than Seth and I'm almost twice his size as a wolf! You never told the others to accept me! You never treated me the same, you never had the same comradery with me, you expected twice of what Paul or Emry or Quil could do, and you talked bad to my face! Do you not realize that you've treated me like a child all this time?"_

_"You ACT like one, Leah."_

_"You never made an effort to invite me and make me feel like I was apart of your life, apart of your pack, __Beta!__"_

Sam huffed. _"Maybe if you had any amount of maturity... look, maybe you're right. Maybe it's because you're a female that you make such a bad wolf. Maybe you're just a freak of nature, huh? Maybe it's good you left and maybe you should've stayed away!"_

_"Well maybe I hope your wife gives you a precious little boy so maybe you can 'strengthen the Quilute bloodline'!"_

_"Fine, I guess since __you__ won't!" _He took a step away from me. _"So that's it then. You're a lesbian now, Leah." _His tone was accusatory.

_"Hey!" _I barked. _"Back off."_

_"But that's what you are. You imprinted on a girl."_

_"Yeah and Jacob imprinted on a baby, so what, you gonna step up and call him a pedophile like he is?" _Sam didn't respond. _"Yeah, uh huh, that's what I thought."_

_"Jacob and Nessie don't have __sex."_

_"Neither do I! You ever thought about that?" _Wow! That was... suddenly more self-deprecating than I was aiming for.

_"Look, all I was saying is that... you just don't care, do you? I thought... you know, even with Emily, there was... something. You guys aren't even in the same stratosphere, and it could never be anything like what I've got with Emily, but... I always cared about you and you know that. I don't know what it was. You know you can't just stop loving someone completely overnight. It was like... a vacuum with Emily, but with you if was like... you know, I used to actually like being around you."_

_"Yeah, what happened to that?"_

_"I'm just saying that I used to love you, Leah. Sure, it might've been damaged beyond repair when I imprinted, but I knew I loved you and now you're just a lesbian? Like everything we had is gone?"_

_"Trust me, it's not gone because I like girls now, you did that to yourself." _I let out a long sigh. _"Look, I don't know. I'm trying to figure this out, okay? I'm sure this was easy as can be for you, but I've got a lot going on and I never wanted this in the first place. I just... I need to figure out what I want and what I'm feeling before I get other people involved."_

_"I just want to know that you loved me. Now, or once upon a time or whatever. I want to know that I actually mattered to you." _I didn't respond. _"Look, I'm sorry for going off on you, I just... I guess I just wanted to know if you were honest with me."_

_"And you wanted me to hurt in case I was lying to you." _I finished his sentence. _"Why are you always the one that makes things hard? Just take Emily and go. Leave me alone."_

_"I just wanted to know if you had feelings, why is that such a hard question for you?" _Sam pestered.

_"Look, I want you to go away because I'm tired of putting up with your shit and I'm going to put my clothes back on now."_

I don't really know what I came away from that conversation with. Sam was... he's always been like this around me. When Emily's around, it's like the sun revolves around her and she could do no wrong. With me, at least since he started phasing, it's like everything I do is wrong and with the sole purpose of antagonizing him. Any pain I ever felt towards him was viewed as angry spite, like I spent every waking moment looking for an excuse to spit in his face. Look, I won't say that I don't want to from time to time, but he never gave me a chance to properly grieve. He practically dumped me on the side of the road, started dating my cousin, hung around a bunch of sketchy guys, and then immediately turned around and expected me to obey his every whim whenever he wanted, no matter where I stood on the matter. He lost my respect a long time ago, and maybe I still felt love towards him, but if anything, imprinting felt like I was finally taking off my rose colored glasses. I put up with him because I felt sorry for him for losing control over his life to become a wolf and I was letting him excuse himself with that. Sam might've felt at his worse when he tore up Emily's face, but I really wonder sometimes if he pretends to pardon his actions by framing the wolf.

I was tying the strings on my pajamas when he came around the tree. He was just in a pair of cargo shorts. I felt my face flush and I turned my head away. "I don't want to talk to you right now." I stated.

"I was gonna invite you to breakfast with the boys." Sam offered. _Oh my god, it's like the wolf is his bipolar alter-ego. _It was always harder to talk to, or fight with, his human face. His voice was softer and kinder and I could almost forget that he literally just attacked me.

"Is Seth there?"

He scratched the back of his neck. "Yeah. Why?"

"I'll go say hi." I agreed.

I love Emily's flowers on her porch. When I get the chance, I want to put flower on Clara and mine's porch. When I got there, the house was busy with boys. Something told me there was a lot of late night partying. Emily was scrambling enough eggs to feed a small tribe. Seth had a... panic-stricken half-smile on his face. He seemed to be making something but I didn't know what. Quil was blocking my view of what he was doing.

"Seth, what is that?" I said suspiciously.

"Uh, nothing!" He said quickly. There was someone's laptop sitting on the counter, probably Emily's, that he kept referring to before returning to the thing he was doing on the counter top.

"Move." I urged Quil. There were multiple little bowls filled with different color frostings and in Seth's hand, a spoon he was using to draw on top of the long homemade cake on the counter. It was covered in white frosting but Seth was sloppily decorating it with different pastel colors. "What the fuck is that?"

He grimaced. "Surprise! It's... It's a rainbow!" Seth said, defeated. "Yeah, I know, I'm sorry. I think I kind of, you know, owe you one here." There were little candy letters that I couldn't quite read.

"_'Sorry for outing you to the pack, I hope you can for-gay-ve me'_ SETH!" I shouted. Emily jumped. "You TOLD THEM?"

He cowered behind Quil. "Okay, look, it was an accident, I swear-"

"An ACCIDENT?!" I shouted.

Firm hands grabbed either side of my shoulders. "Leah, honey," It was Emily, pressing her cool cheek against mine. I felt the anger bubbling up in me like a volcano about to explode at Seth. "We're so happy for you! You finally imprinted!"

"I. Didn't. Get. A say. In. This." I clenched my jaw. _No accidents around Emily and the baby._ "I'm not _happy_, Emily!"

She looked confused and as she opened her mouth to say something, Paul approached, clasping me hard on the shoulder. "Hell yeah, Leah! She knows what's up, isn't that right?" He jabbed me hard in the gut and I retaliated by shoving him across the kitchen.

"Why are you so angry?" Emily asked innocently. "I mean, come on, this has got to be the best thing ever for you, you've finally got this figured out. You've got somebody now, this is good news!"

"Just leave me alone, all of you." I pushed my way past them. I heard snide offensive remarks as I walked outside, but made myself ignore them as I made my way to the beach.

I had to hike barefoot for a little under a mile to get to the actual beach part. It was so calm just listening to the ocean. The sand was still damp from the rain and it felt good between my toes. The seagulls were busy nesting this morning. The sea was a dark blue, almost black color, except for the bright white foam that skimmed the surface. The sky was turning purple with fluffy pink clouds as the sun came up. I sunk myself into the sand and wrapped my arms around my middle. I dunno, maybe I'm being sappy. I don't know what it all means or what I'm feeling, but I wish Clara was here with me.


	9. Chapter Seven: Craving

**AN: apologies for my absence. I left briefly because I needed time to think of some kind of side plot or bonding event for Leah and Clara as characters. I want them to be as human and fleshed out as possible. I still don't think I'm there yet, but I want to keep writing. Thank you for your patience~**

**Chapter Seven—Craving**

**Warning: Language**

I am an idiot.

Why _wouldn't_ the front door be locked at night?

I had to scale the balcony to get back in my room. I was out of breath, covered in sweat and sand, and laying in the floor of my bedroom. My body still ached painfully from my encounter with Sam, but my bruises were already faded. Thank god Clara was already in the shower. She didn't hear me. I cleaned up as best I could in the kitchen sink, using an already dirty towel to get the dirt off of me, and I threw on deodorant and clean clothes. This would suffice for now.

I lost my breath. Clara looked really tired, her eyes looking darker than usual. She was still dressed in her pajamas. I felt weird looking at her. She was so sleepy and precious and her eyes looked so big and amible. _Seriously,_ what was _wrong_ with me? I couldn't even just act _normal_ around her? I felt my face get hot because I was thinking about how nice her legs looked in her shorts. They were too big for her, but she had them hiked up so high I could just barely see the bottom of her ass. She _clearly _did squats at the gym.

_Wait._

_Leah, stop being weird about everything. You wouldn't appreciate it. How does this kind of thing even happen?_ How do you wake up one morning and suddenly have an attraction to a gender that you weren't attracted to the day before? I'm not sure I've ever felt more disgusted with myself as images crept into my head of what she might've looked like last night with her boyfriend. I felt like... for lack of a better word, these unfamiliar feelings felt... _predatory. _I went to high school with gross boys who stared at my own body back when I was smaller and more feminine. _I just wish someone would tell me what I'm supposed to feel. I wish someone would've handed me a handbook on lesbianism when I got thrown in this mess._

She was scrunching her wet hair with a towel in an almost zombie manner, she walked over to the sink to clean out a coffee mug. Just her casual existence was so peaceful and beautiful in a way I couldn't even begin to process. As soon as I was in the same room with her, all I wanted was to have her in my arms. "Morning." She yawned causally.

"Oh, hey," I said, trying to be casual. I felt weirdly... dead inside right now, after everything that's happened. I feel like it would just be a million times easier to book a plane ticket to the most obscure island in Alaska and pretend I died, because honestly, that's about the standard I'm feeling right now. "What's up?"

"Just got up. You want coffee?" She put on a smile. Her smiles were so... _genuine_.

"Uh sure, yeah." The coffee machine was weird. It's one of those new fancy ones. There's no pot on it. "Uh, I don't really know... how do you use this thing?"

"Oh, here, it's easy you just," She did a bunch of weird mechanical stuff with the coffee pot. I couldn't focus because of how I was staring at her. _She's so pretty, I could just... _I interrupted my own thoughts. _Just what? What do you possible think you would do to her? _Is that another ethical violation? I assume Jacob, for instance, wouldn't feel romantic interest in Renesmee given that she's a child and having romantic interest in her would be dangerous and you can't put your imprintees in danger. But could I be having romantic interest in Clara without her reciprocation? She wasn't _consenting _to having me look at her and have the thoughts I did, and I mean, _literally,_ could I even have romantic interest in her?

The rules never state that they HAVE to fall in love with you, just that it's mostly inevitable (for all of the straight people that fall into the sample size out there). The rules also state that you become the roll that the imprintee needs the most. She has a _boyfriend,_ Clara doesn't _need_ me to gawk her, to have these thoughts I can't shove out of my head. So if she never has romantic interest in me, would I _physically be able_ to feel romantic interest in her? I'm still not even 100% sure where I'm supposed to draw the line with what's even considered "romantic interest". _Normal girls _find girls to be pretty all the damn time! I swear, I feel like I'm constantly building a mountain out of a molehill. _Jesus, I'm going to go insane_.

_No, you know what, I'm giving up. _Where am I supposed to draw this line? Here. You find a girl pretty once and suddenly all the neurons in your brain start firing, telling you she's got to be your soulmate. _Get a grip, Leah._

But that didn't undo the fact that her smile was the prettiest thing I've ever seen. "Here you go. It's got hazelnut in it. It's my favorite."

"Oh, yeah," I swallowed hard. "Thanks."

"You're welcome." She said sweetly. "I've got oatmilk in the fridge and I've got sugar right here." She paused for a second, thinking about something.

"Thanks." I nodded. My hand wasn't shaky but I couldn't grip the spoon that great with sweaty palms to put sugar into my coffee. "Um-" I felt words slipping forward in my mouth but I didn't trust them to play nice.

"Yeah?" She replied, cocking her head. _Her eyelashes were so long..._

"Oh, sorry, I'm just... nevermind." I said quickly.

"You know what we should do tomorrow? I've got some bananas that are going to go bad soon, do you maybe wanna make some banana bread? I've got a really good recipe if you wanna help me."

"Um... yeah, absolutely. That sounds like a lot of fun. I don't really have much else going on..." I nodded. My buggy code nagged at the back of my mind but honestly, I'd rather sit and stare at a pretty girl than a bunch of numbers on a screen.

Clara turned back to her own cup of coffee. She was stirring it methodically. "We really should hang out more." She said. "We could cook dinner, hang out, make a whole thing out of it. You seem really cool."

_"__Really?"_ I asked. I know I sounded shocked and she picked up on it too.

"What? You say that like I'm the first person to ever say that." She remarked. "Listen, I'm getting some time cut now that we've hired a couple more baristas. Maybe one day we could go see a drive-in movie at that place up near Port Angeles. Or just hang out here." She quickly picked her her phone and was typing rapidly. "I'm checking the website now because the tickets at the drive-in sell out so quickly, but I'm looking at their shows right now and I was wondering what kind of stuff you're into? Like what kind of movies do you like?"

"Um—" I sighed with defeat. "I dunno—"

Clara laughed, bumping me with her hipbone. I felt a weird churning in my stomach and an imprint from where she touched me. "Come on, Leah! What do you like?" She hopped up onto the counter, her legs swinging idly. Her fingers ruffled her wer hair absently, like she didn't even realize she was tousling it.

"I guess I like... hmm... horror movies?" Truthfully I didn't like detailed psychological horrors. I didn't like well-directed, big-budget horror series. I like campy, indie movies with shit acting and truthfully? I've got this weird fetish for those stupid, _stupid_ teen sex scenes. I couldn't tell you why, but as much as I hate romance, as painful as it is for me to watch the rom-coms that I used to love so much, nothing melts my heart more than a half-baked relationship between two white kids professing their love and having sex in some weird barn or an empty boat while a guy in a monster costume hunts them down. Maybe it's because I want to be the blissful and ignorant couple one day instead of the guy in a low budget werewolf costume. "Old stuff. _Carrie. Scream. Nightmare on Elm Street."_

Her eyes glimmered with fascination, but also hinted at disappointment. "Horror? Bleh, sorry, I hate horror movies." Her entire body shivered. She shook her head, sticking out her tongue. "Like, I still _watch_ them? I still watch them and stuff, but I don't do it because I like it."

"Those things actually _scare_ you?" I asked, astonished.

"I don't like the blood, okay?" Clara said defensively. "What about... comedies? Do you like comedies?"

"Like sets kind of comedy or like... _'Friends' _kind of comedy?"

"Oh my gosh, I love _Friends!"_ She said excitedly. If it had been anyone else, I might've groaned. But Clara looked genuinely passionate about it and honestly, I couldn't have cared less about what she was talking about. Her voice got bubblier when she got excited and it made me feel warm and safe. "Ugh I don't know how many times I've rewatched it. I used to watch—that and _Will and Grace—_when I had to stay home sick as a kid. Like a comfort memory. She'd like... make homemade soup and I'd get to sleep in the living room on the couch."

"Our mom was always stupid strict on sick days. We weren't allowed to have days off unless we were _dying." _I remarked. For a minute, I wished... I could imagine myself, sick and at home with my own mom, and I can imagine that she's lovingly comforting me. I wished she hadn't been so catatonic when dad died. It would've been nice to have someone to comfort me after I transformed for the first time. I didn't really care that much for those kinds of sitcoms, but it was nice listening to her talk about things that she's interested in. I just wanted to sit and listen to her talk for hours. "What else? What are your thoughts on rom-coms? Seems like that's all they ever show up in Port Angeles."

Clara had to think about that one for a second. "Well... I dunno, I'm not super into stuff like _The Notebook_, I don't care for those dime-a-dozen kind of movies... I guess I'm just really picky. It depends, you know?" She paused for a beat, tucked a lock of hair behind her ear, and chuckled. "Why? Do they make you cry or something? They're too gushy for you?" She turned up her nose and smirked playfully.

"No, I don't _cry—_" My face flushed red and I took a drink of my coffee to hide my face. It was pretty good though, not gonna lie.

"Okay, speed round: if you had to pickone, indie, action, or fantasy?" She scrolled into her phone.

"What kind of indie are we talking about?"

Clara shook her head. "Speed round, pick one."

"Uhh, just... not action I guess?" I replied. "What's this for?"

Clara bit her lips, smiling. "What do you think about next friday? A week from now?"

I wracked my brain for a second. "Sure, yeah,"

"It's a date then. Looks like we've got a spot." Clara remarked. _Date. Date, date, date... not a REAL date. Just a regular girls night out kind of date. Like a sleepover._ "Damn, their tickets are kind of expensive... it's cool, I never get to do anything fun."

"Do I need to pay you back?" I offered.

"Nah, you can buy popcorn." She replied. "It's better than sitting around here all the time."

"So... your boyfriend. He's coming, right?"

"Nah, he's probably get us kicked out for smoking weed." Clara rolled her eyes. "It can be a fun girls night! Just us, you feel me? We can make a whole thing out of it, we can put blankets in my car."

My cheeks were _definitely _burning. She _actually_ wanted to go and hang out with me? _Just us?_ This wasn't a _date-_date though, this was just girls being girls. _I've got to keep telling myself that. _"I just haven't met him and I was wondering. Is he nice?" I asked.

Clara snorted. "You know how guys are. You either get a good one or a nice one." She shrugged. "I dunno. He's okay. He's not, like, a bad guy or anything. He's cute. He gives me a discount on adderall and he's got this cool skater boy vibe. He listens to a lot of weird music though."

Oh. So she was into _skater boys._ What's my aesthetic supposed to be now? Semi-athletic, borderline lumberjack, camp counselor? Was I supposed to learn to skateboard to impress her? Get a septum piercing and start a nicotine and monster energy addiction? Stop washing my hair? My stomach sunk for no good reason. Was I _seriously_ considering changing my entire wardrobe and _lifestyle_ to fit into a cookie cutter that imprinting handed me? Why couldn't I get someone _easy _to impress? _Shit._ They weren't kidding about doing anything for the people you imprint on. "Yeah, that's cool." I nodded. I'm drawing the line at not washing my hair.

She kind of fake smiled, scrunching up her nose, but she looked sort of unsure of herself. "He's fun, but it's not like... I'm not a _forever_ kind of person, you know? He can be sweet, but I guess I'm not really the endgame type. Honestly I'm amazed we're even, like, a _thing."_

That hurt... _more. _I tried to contain my thoughts to myself. It felt like my entire chest was filled with thick sap. I wasn't asking to feel like this. Why am I feeling like this? I feel like I constantly have to ask myself this question, but I'm continuing to not get any other answers than "it's because you imprinted." It's not a very satisfactory answer. I felt spiders begin to crawl over my fingers and arms. I rolled my shoulders to try and relax. I felt like I could've vomited into the sink. The disgust with myself filled my ears and head like cotton. My throat felt like it was closing, like I was slowly suffocating to death. She literally just told me about her boyfriend and my entire body was acting like I needed to have a full blown transformation in the kitchen. I had hoped that my break, by allowing my body to spend the morning running through the woods, I could relax and forget about my problems. It wasn't even anger at Clara or jealousy at her boyfriend, it was just... hurt. I wish I could just turn this off. I just want to flip this off. Clara deserves so much better than me, someone who's not jealous or clingy or overly-attached to someone I'm not even dating.

"No, no, I get that." I agreed.

"What about you?" Clara switched the conversation quickly. "You got a boyfriend?"

"No, erm, just..." I shook my head. My finger nervously tapped on my ceramic mug. _Forks PD. _I couldn't look at her. "I had a bad break up over a year ago and I'm not really over it yet." I realized saying that it's been a couple of years now just makes me sound more pathetic.

"Oh shit, what happened?" Clara quickly backtracked. "You don't actually have to tell me, I'm sorry about that. You can talk about it if you want to though. I'm a pretty good relationship counselor if you need one."

"I got dumped for another girl and then she asked me to be her bridesmaid." I stated simply.

"Yikes. Did you say yes?"

"Oh yeah, they've got a baby on the way and everything." I replied. "I'm over it, but I definitely got burned. Not a fan. I prefer the kind of stuff on tv."

"Have you tried any dating apps?"

"Um—" I shrugged, laughing kind of nervously. "I don't know how I feel about that. I mean—come on, it's _Forks_, you know?"

"Good point." Clara laughed. "Maybe you could come to a party with me sometime. I bet I could hook you up with someone cute if you want."

"I'm okay, honestly." I said nervously. "I think I just need a break from real life romance."

"Could you do me a favor though?" She bit her lip. I know she wasn't meant to be enticing, and even I couldn't fully understand that gnawing in my stomach, but the way she looked at me, when our eyes met, it made me feel as spark inside of me. "Not really a _favor,_ but about the party thing... I don't really like going to strange places where there's a lot of alcohol and people I don't know. I was wondering if you'd still come with me?"

"Oh, like a driver?"

"No, like my friend." Clara smiled. "I can give you a makeover and I'd you want, you can borrow my clothes. I dunno if they'll fit, but you're welcome to try."

That was an intriguing offer. The words slipped out of my mouth faster than I could think it through. She needed a friend and someone to watch her back and frankly, that seemed more important than any other plans I might've had. "Yeah, of course. Just tell me when."

"Tonight?" She has a guilty look on her face for the late notice. "Sorry, I know it's last second, but it's like a 'welcome to college' thing over at this guy that I work with's house."

I blinked. I was going to have homework, my code wasn't even debugged yet, I hadn't showered yet... I had roughly a dozen other obligations before going to another _stupid party..._ "Cool, what time are we leaving?"


	10. Chapter Eight: Euphoria

**AN: Sorry for the belated chapter! I now have a little bit of a better vision as to where this is going and to be frank, I deleted the "interlude" bc I hated it and that's not really where I want the story to go. I will be taking down my last update soon. Again, sincere apologies! Thank you for all the love and support.**

**EDIT: ...I thought his name was Tyler. It was Trevor. I fixed it.**

**Warning: language, brief violence, mentions and brief drug/alcohol usage**

**Chapter Eight—Euphoria**

Clara had taken out half her closet and strewn it across her bed. Her room was magical looking. She had strung golden fairy lights around her entire room as fake vines created a curtain around her window. She had tiny polaroids of various things taped around her room. Her smooth blonde hair was in a sloppy half bun on top of her head as her straightening iron was heating up on her dresser, which she periodically made trips to, flattening out the last of her long blonde hair. Her roots were starting to come in. She picked up a white cocktail dress with Art Deco style triangles of golden sequins and a white twisted sash across the middle.

"What do you think?" She asked, holding it up against her body.

"Um," I tilted my head. There wasn't really any way for me to be unbiased about it, but I knew she would look beautiful in anything. "Yeah, I think you'd look great."

Clara smiled. _I love her dimples._ "Thanks, it's new... and I'm not really a big fan of white. I dunno." She tossed in onto the bed next to me. She did some digging and found a blue velvet dress. "I think this one might fit you." She remarked, holding it up against my body. I felt a shiver go through me as she touched me. It was such a light touch yet it was such a sweet gesture. My heart was already fluttering in my chest and butterflies were bouncing around my stomach.

"I don't know." I sighed. She was so petite that I could see the bones in her wrists and hips and I was so muscular I looked like a football player. "I think I'm too big for your clothes."

"Literal _nonsense._ That's ridiculous!" She exclaimed, tossing it aside. "Here, you can think about it. We'll find _something_ for you to wear. Can I do your makeup?"

"Uh, yeah. Sure. Go for it." I nodded. There was a knot in my throat and I couldn't quite pinpoint why.

Clara picked up her desk chair, dragging it over in front of me. "Obviously we don't have the same foundation shade, but you don't have, like, _any_ pimples so I'm not even worried about it..." She shook her head. "What I'm, what color eyeshadow do you want?"

"Uh, what—what do you think?" I asked. "Sorry, it's been forever since I've put on makeup, I don't even know what would look good on me."

"Hmm..." Clara pursed her lips. "Can I even out your eyebrows first?"

"Oh, yeah, sure." I sat with my eyes closed as she drew lines on my eyebrows and carefully plucked away with a pair of tweezers. They'd be fixed by tomorrow if she messed them up too bad, knowing how my body works, but I didn't care. I could feel my heart skipping a beat just from the closeness of her body and the way her hands rested against my face. Worse, I felt an aching sensation in my stomach and groin with her so close to me that I couldn't shake off despite my best efforts. She smelled clean, like handmade soap and tea with honey and rain and her breath was warm on my face. It was oddly comforting. "I hope they're not awful, I honestly don't really pay attention to my eyebrows."

Clara laughed softly. "Don't even worry about it. You've got..." she considered what she was saying. "...nice _bone structure."_

"I have nice _bone structure."_ I repeated. I stifled a laughed.

"Yeah, like nice, erm, forehead—you're forehead is like—" She stammered for a second before laughing at her own ridiculousness, her eyes lighting up like lightning. "Your _brow bone._ Yeah, that's what it's called. You have a very nice brow bone. It's like... so the end of your eyebrow, it arches really nicely. For example, like, my eyebrows are really flat and round but you have a really nice natural curvature."

"Oh." I said, tightening my lips. My eyes opened to look at her. "Well, _I think_ you have really nice eyebrows."

"Oh shut up." Clara laughed breathily. She tossed her hair out of the way.

"Here—is your hair, er—" My hands moved before my mouth could and I had already grabbed a handful of her hair like it was natural. Clara paused to see what I was doing but she didn't flinch. I pulled the hair tie off my wrist and pulled her hair out of her face. I instantly regretted it and realized I had overstepped my boundaries.

"Oh. Thanks." She smiled and didn't think twice. _She wasn't... bothered by me touching her?_

My phone started vibrating in my lap. I jumped with surprise and Clara's eyes flickered with curiosity. I met her eyes, picking up my phone. _Seth :D_ the name read. I mostly expected it to be a telemarketer, lifting the phone to my ear. _"Hello?"_ I said carefully. Somehow as soon as I heard my ringtone, I knew something felt wrong. "Seth?"

"Um, hi, Lee." A sheepish voice replied. It took me a second to realize it wasn't my brother; it was Brady. _Nerdy little Brady._ I hadn't spent much time around him, but I could vividly see his face, his big brown eyes, his gangly hair

"What's wrong? Did something happen? Where's Seth?" I asked in a panicked voice, jumping to my feet.

"Oh, I just stole his phone." He reassured. I relaxed a bit. "I need to talk to you._ Privately."_

"We can talk right now." I said. Clara was still watching me, turning and fiddling with the mascara tube to pretend that she wasn't actually paying attention me. "What's wrong, Brady?" I asked politely. This poor kid sounded like his hand was shaking on the other end of the phone.

"No, seriously, like... it's _really_ important and I don't know what to do—and—and I'm really freaking out, and—"

"Brady, you need to listen to me, take a deep breath... tell me what happened. Did someone get hurt?" I asked. I was now pacing in front of the balcony.

"No, no! Everyone's fine, um—"

"Is it Emily? Did she go into labor?" I continued to pry, rubbing my hand over my face for half a second before flinching and remembering that I was wearing makeup.

"I don't think so?" His voice raised multiple pitches. "It's—it's me, something's wrong with me, Leah."

"What's going on?" I spun around on the balls of my feet, looking over at Clara. "Are you hurt? Did you get hurt?"

"No, I... Leah, the others are going to catch onto soon and I'm terrified, I don't want them to find out, I don't, and—" His voice cut out.

"Brady, I swear to god, are you in the middle of the woods somewhere? Where are you? Are you safe?" I was definitely getting more annoyed with him now.

"I really fucked up." Brady said shakily.

I took a deep breath to try and steady my nerves. "Who are you with? Where is Seth? Is Seth safe? Is Sam with you? What's happening?"

"They're—the others are out, they shifted, but I can't shift because I can't let them find out and—"

"Find our what?" I asked. Static again. "Brady?"

"I..." Brady coughed. It sounded like he was on the verge of or was crying.

I tried to stifle my sigh and soften my voice. "Brady, what's wrong? Are you okay? Just talk through this with me."

"I got my class changed at school... because I was regular biology and it was too easy and the teacher suggested putting me in honors biology... and... and..."

"And?" I pried carefully.

"...and when I got there, there was... there was this... my new lab partner..." he was getting increasingly more choked up.

"Okay..." I nodded. There was a really long pause.

"I..." he let out a sob. _"I imprinted on my lab partner!"_

I took another deep breath. "Okay, Brady, can you try box breathing? You breathe for four and hold for four and exhale for four, okay?" I could hear his wheezing, but slowly he was beginning to calm down. "Are you better?"

"Yeah? No?" He replied. He was taking deep, wary breaths. _"God, Leah, I'm scared."_

I pressed the phone to my chest. "Hey, Clara, I'm gonna step outside real quick, okay?" Clara nodded and I walked out onto the balcony. "Brady... _Brady_... stay with me bud. What are you scared of?" I asked, shutting the door behind me.

"I-I mean I can't—I can't let the others find out." He said quietly.

"Why... not?"

There was complete silence on the other end. At first, I was confused. Why would he need to make such a big deal out of this? Why did he need to call me? Then in an instant, my stomach dropped to my toes. Goddamnit Leah, you know why.

_"Oh."_ I said softly. "I'm so sorry, kid."

"Yeah." He took a shaky breath into the microphone.

"Did you... did you know... before?" I asked.

"Um, did you?" He countered.

I shook my head even though he couldn't see me. "No. It was... it was like getting hit by a bus. I never saw this coming. Did you?"

"I... I think I was lucky enough to sort of... know..." Brady was calming down and I could still hear him doing the breathing exercises. "I... I thought... I didn't know what was normal, I didn't know if I was normal, if what I was feeling was normal, I didn't know... Am I not normal anymore?"

"Stop—" I held the phone to my chest again. I knew what I had to say but I didn't believe an ounce of it. "Brady, listen to me. There isn't... there is no _normal,_ okay? You're normal no matter what you feel." I just about gagged. _Damn, Leah, you could be an excellent televangelist yet..._

"Yeah, but like... this isn't normal. You can't _pretend_ that it is. It's..." he huffed. "Why did this even happen in the first place?! Why did—"

"I know, Brady."

_"And—and I don't understand how this is even supposed to help me—"_

"I know, Brady."

"And—and I wish I had never imprinted at all! I'd rather die by myself than—"

"I know, Brady." I collapsed into a chair outside, my head in my hands.

"And why _me?!_ Why did this have to happen to _me?! _I didn't even do anything! _I-I—"_ Brady slowly let out the last of his anguish. "I don't understand."

"I don't either." I replied.

"How do you... how do you do it?" His small voice asked.

I glanced over my shoulder into the apartment. Clara was still sitting in the desk chair and she was fiddling with her fingernails. Strands of her long hair fell like a curtain around her face. She looked so tiny, vulnerable, and uncertain. She was just a normal human with human ideals and human motivations, and when I look at her, I can't picture us getting married or getting a house together or even her tolerating the idea of me outside of this small bubble that we live within. I couldn't see her being in love with me. I wasn't sure if I even wanted to be in love with her. And worst of all, I knew it would inevitably be the death of me. "I..." My throat felt like it was closing. "I guess I just... try to look at it from a different perspective that... it's not all about love or sex and that... that you're different but not wrong and that... that..." I was staring at Clara. She didn't seem to even notice but I couldn't stop. My insides were churning horribly with acid and the monster that lived beneath my skin was sending spiders over my arms.

Do I... _am I in love with her?_

Brady said something but I couldn't be bothered to listen.

"Hey, Brady, are you okay?" I struggled.

"Huh? What?" Brady said.

"Are you okay? Can we talk more later?" I asked.

"Yeah—I mean, _I guess."_ Brady said disgruntled.

"Here, take my number and you can text me, okay? We can talk more in private." I explained.

"Yeah... um... sounds... good." Brady replied. "See you... later, I guess."

I hung up the phone, still staring through the glass. When I stood up, Clara's eyes looked up at me. "Hey, are you good?"

"Yeah it was... it was my brother's friend, he needed to talk about something." I shook my head. "It's fine, I took care of it."

"Are you okay?" She asked nervously.

I sat back down on the bed and nodded. "Yeah, I'm great." Her liquid green eyes leaned back into my face and she dusted over my face with a thick brush. She squinted curiously at me. My mouth fell open again. "Erm—"

"What's up?" She asked softly, pulling her brush back. Her lips were ever so slightly parted. Pink and soft... I could just reach up and touch her face...

"Nothing." I said. My body was locked up, every muscle, every ounce of my being keeping me away from her. "Thanks again... this was all really sweet of you by the way."

She tilted her head and swallowed. "You have really nice skin." Her voice was barely more than a whisper.

"Thanks." I nodded. My eyes momentarily glanced down, following her brush into the pan, and I noticed she had tiny green bruises on her fingers. They were healing, but it looked like she had tried to punch something lately. I didn't draw attention to it.

"You're welcome." Her eyelashes fluttered. She was so utterly... _perfect_. She was so precious, and so precious to me, and I couldn't escape the idea that my mere existence did nothing but doom her. And for what? I keep circling back to the same place and the same question of: if this happened for a reason, what's the reason? Why did everything fit together to lead me to this moment? Why did the stars find their place in such a perfect order that I was here with her? Or was it my unconscious selfishness that lead us here?

I couldn't let myself slip up again. I couldn't let myself touch her because if I did, I knew I would be disrespecting a boundary that she didn't even know was there. She trusted me like a friend and if I were to ever push too far, to use her trust against her, I wouldn't be able to forgive myself for it. That made everything so much more surreal. I was sitting here and felt like I would implode if she left me and she could sit perfectly still, her heart still pounding normally, her palms not even sweaty... she saw me as her friend. And don't get me wrong, I was absolutely fine with that. I was fine being friends. Frankly, I'd rather she look me in the eye and just tell me straight up that we're friends because at least then maybe my biology could play by the rules and the chemicals in my brain could step off. But it was weird to look at her and know that she had no idea what had happened. Was that even fair?

"What's that?" I asked softly, pointing to whatever was in her hands. It was something golden and sparkly.

"It's highlighter. It's too dark for me but I think it'd look good on you." She replied. Clara paused as she swiped the brush across my face, staring down at the floor. "God, you're like a radiator."

I pulled back a bit. "Is that bad?"

"No, you're just _so warm."_ Her voice was so soft and almost trancelike. "It's nice. It's just so cold here. I don't want to say it, but I'm starting to hate Forks."

"You're not from here?"

"I moved here when I was ten, my grandparents moved up here from California to retire and they eventually got so sick..." She shook her head. "They both passed away a few years ago, but we stayed because I was in high school, and now I'm in college... my parents want to move when I move away but honestly I don't want them to be too close, you know?"

"Yeah, I feel that."

"I miss living half an hour from the beach." Clara remarked. "Well, I guess I still am but it feels like it's always too cold to swim." She seemed to be reminiscing of something from a very long time ago. "I'd go to the beach so much my summer tan never really went away and all my shoes had sand in them. Now I just have to use the stuff from the bottle and there's mud everywhere."

"I could take you up to La Push before it gets too cool." I suggested. "I'm not big on surfing but I know tons of people like to go before it shows."

She shivered at the thought and chuckled. "Maybe."

I settled on recycling Karen's dress. I felt more comfortable in black. It smoothed everything out and made my body look somewhat manageable as look at I didn't fixate too long in front of mirrors. But I couldn't ignore to barely visible bloodstain on the side from that guy's bloody nose. Clara had made my face golden and shiny and she glued long fake eyelashes on my eyes that tickled when I opened them. For a second, it hit me again and my heart was racing. The last party I had gone to had ended so horribly... I might run into Karen again... or the guy that was fucking with me again...

Clara had picked out a different dress for herself. It was a blue to green gradient of sequins, only mid-thigh and low cut with big puffy long sleeves. She was in the living room putting on lipstick. I was floored when I saw her from behind. She caught my eye and smiled.

"Hey, c'mere for a sec?" She said. I sheepishly obeyed and she steadily swiped the liquid lipstick wand over my lips. "Now do this—" She rubbed her lips together and I mimicked. Clara smiled. "You look great by the way."

"Thanks, so do you." I said breathlessly.

Clara turned back to the mirror. "So, my boyfriend said he'd meet us there, if that's cool. He's got the like," she lowered her voice. "_the stuff,_ you feel me? I dunno if you want to drive or you want me to drive—"

"We can take my truck if you want, I honestly don't mind." I suggested warily.

"Are you sure? Like I said, I don't want you to feel like I'm just dragging you around as my driver." She asked.

"Oh, I mean, I don't mind." I shrugged. It probably wasn't my place but it did bother me a bit at the idea of "stuff". I was not exactly mentally prepared to find out that my roommate and imprintee is a coke addict, but that's probably just my nerves about this stupid party. Not that I think my metabolism is going to suddenly slow down on the drive over there, but I'm curious if maybe I use some kind of placebo effect/Pavlov theory myself into drinking that is works similar to an SSRI. I will be looking into that.

We didn't talk much on the drive to the party. Clara put on her music and she stared out the window throughout the ride. I could see her foot tapping to the music. I couldn't help but think as I parked my car: where is Charlie Swan throughout all of this? Do the police just... not notice to raging college parties? The underage drinking? We don't have many accidents so I guess it's just not a concern? I guess when you can just walk home drunk they don't really care about kids sneaking their parents' liquor out of the cabinet, but it raises a question about the noise concern. Someone had set up strobing neon lights. I think this was definitely the Forks equivalent of a frat house by the smell. Clara took me by the hand and lead me through the living room and into the kitchen. I jumped when a hand touched my shoulder.

"Lee!" A voice shouted. "Is that my dress?!"

"Hi, Karen!" I remarked. "We'll talk later, okay?" I shouted over the music. She had razored the ends of her hair and fluffed it up twice its original size. She mumbled something as she went back to struggling to get a beer bottle open. Clara lead outside where the breeze washed over me. It wasn't hot or sticky and it smelled like a campfire. My ears were still ringing from the bass that flooded out onto the porch. Clara stumbled a bit in her heels as she came down the wooden steps. There was a small group of people gathered around a small fire pit and quietly talking in the back of the yard, between the hot tub and the fence. Clara pried off her shoes to get a better footing.

"What's up, my peeps?" Clara said, clearly trying to be funny. There were about five other people who all laughed and cheered upon her arrival. She leaned down and pecked one girl on the cheek.

"Thought you weren't gonna show!" One guy exclaimed, holding up his drink to her.

"I always show." Clara replied. The girl handed her a cigarette and she leaned down, taking a hit, and smiling at the girl. "But yeah, this is Leah, she's my new roommate."

"Hi." I nervously waved, my eyes scanning over the faces. I hadn't even searched long enough when one of the lawn chairs went flying back onto the ground and there was a man next to me. He was short, greasy, and pimply with a stupid goatee.

_"You?!"_ He spat at me.

"Me?!" I took a big step back. I felt the side of the campfire ring burn into my leg and I yelped, flailing to steady myself.

"Leah, are you okay?" Clara rushed to my side, looking at my leg.

"It's fine, I'm fine—" I said reassuringly. Dude's nose was crooked (his acne looked worse too but that's not my problem). "Hey, man, listen, this was a mistake, I'm sorry, I was going through some really bad anger problems and—" He grabbed me by the front of my dress. I reinforced a stern voice. "Let go. Let me go. Right now."

"No, you know what..." He pulled my face down to his and spat at me. I gagged. I balled up my fist and had drawn back when Clara jumped forward into the mix.

"Trevor, stop it." She said, her hand firmly put on my chest, pushing me back away from him. She whipped her head around to me. "Are you okay? What happened to your leg? Are you good?"

"I'm fine." I said. The burn was pretty bad but I had to tone it down because it was already neatly healed to a rough blister.

"You're seriously hanging out with this bitch?" "Trevor" growled are her.

_"'Bitch'?"_ Clara replied, astounded. "This is Leah, she's, like, the sweetest person—"

"I'm really not." I said warily. Everyone was looking at me. "I... I'm _really_ sorry, but you were—"

"She punched me in the _face!"_ Trevor shouted. "She broke my fucking _nose!_ Oh, I'm sorry, do you go by _she?"_

"Jesus, are you being serious right now? It was a mistake and we're trying to fix this while you talk shit and call her names?" Clara remarked. "You know, sometimes you make me think you deserve to be punched in the face."

My fists didn't unclench. "You _did_ call me a tranny and hit me first, but I'm really sorry, I'm sure you're going to have really bad allergies this winter, huh?"

"Oh really?"

_"Fucking stop!"_ Clara interjected. _"Both of you!_ I don't care who started it, I don't care who did it, but this was a misunderstanding, right?"

"Well the freak was the one that fucking started this and I'm not going to be the one to stand here and take shit from a tranny." Trevor growled. He jumped at me again and Clara had to block him from me. Her wobbling stance made me uneasy.

"Clara, I don't need you to protect me." I told her.

"Don't worry." She said to me. "Trevor, step down. Leah's not going to hurt you. It was a big misunderstanding and we're going to move forward from this and be cool about it, but if you don't stop, I'm going to _make you."_

_"I'm okay—"_ I reassured her.

She let both of us go and we were all still, the others staring at us awkwardly. "We're cool now, right?" Trevor and I both slowly nodded. "Cool. So who brought the weed?"

The rest of the night was weird and awkward. The sun went down and I watched as the people around me slowly became more and more intoxicated with the weed and beer and some pills that I wasn't offered or told the contents of. Clara was snuggled up with Trevor and I felt... out of place. The others were talking and laughing like nothing had happened and Clara seemed like she had forgotten everything. I saw her kissing him and god... everything hurt. No one wanted to talk to me. It was like every word I tried to say was wrong. At one point I got up to go look for Karen, but I found her making out with someone before disappearing to the upstairs of the house. I hated myself.

I stayed in the kitchen for a while until Clara came and found me again.

"Hey, cutie," she said playfully. She was looking through the fridge but she wasn't pulling anything out. "You're sad, what's going on?"

"It's fine, I'm good, honestly—"

"No you're not." Clara shut the fridge and leaned over the counter beside me. "Listen, Trevor is an ass, but honestly, it's... I don't know what's wrong with him. I'm not trying to defend him, but we can talk and he won't—"

"It's okay." I replied. I put up a smile.

She frowned and wrapped her arms around my arm, pressing a friendly kiss on my shoulder. "You're my friend now and I care about what you think, okay?"

"You're my friend too." I said softly.

"Hey, you wanna go?" She offered. "We could just go, we don't have to tell the others. You wanna do that?" I nodded kind of pathetically.

Clara intertwined our fingers and we ran out of the front of the house and into my truck. She was laughing, her face beaming with glitter and sweat. She immediately started blaring the radio. "I love this song!" She shouted, singing off key as we drove back to the apartment. I was defiantly speeding but we were laughing and everything felt... _perfect_ again.

For a second, I caught a glimpse of my face in the rear view mirror. I didn't recognize my face. I felt... I felt _pretty._ And when I looked at Clara and I looked at the way she looked at me... I felt something that I hadn't felt in a long time. _Freedom? Youth? Worth?_

I never wanted to stop driving.


	11. Chapter Nine: Questions

**Chapter Nine—Questions**

**Warning: Language**

I woke up in Clara's bed this morning. Not in a _weird_ way. After the party, she was so drunk she asked me to crash there with her because she didn't want to be alone. When we got home, we ordered takeout and sat in the living room floor for a really long time just talking. I tried to be inconspicuous about my own drinking—enough that I could feel a light buzz, but careful so I didn't look like some kind of raging alcoholic. We talked about Tyler, but we just... danced around it and forgot about it. Clara talked about how tired she was of school and all about her life in California and she eventually went down a rabbit hole sharing some of her favorite conspiracy theories with me. She was ridiculously drunk. She got sick after dinner and she asked me to hang around for a little bit. I went and laid down with her and she fell asleep as soon as her head hit the pillow. I fell asleep staring at her face, my body reluctantly snuggled up to her body. Her skin was like silk and there was something so perfect about having another person to keep you warm. I never wanted to wake up.

But I had to, and I had to get out of there before she woke up, even if things weren't the way they looked. It would be weird and awkward and I just can't be having those sort of conversations right now. I had felt pretty much in complete control of myself all night. I never pushed too far. Never said too much. My head was _pounding though. I hadn't had headaches like this since I imprinted. I tried to take some Tylenol before I left but it wasn't enough to do anything._

I banged my fist against Billy Black's porch door. A dog was barking somewhere and a voice shouted, "Just a minute!" My own knock rattled around my skull. Billy rolled out the door. He seemed surprised to see me. "Leah, all the way down from Forks, huh? Are you looking for Jake."

"No." I replied. I scratched at the back of my neck. "I actually wanted to talk to you about something."

"Oh." Shock spread across his face. "Sure, come on in." He rolled backwards, opening the door up to me. The house was a little bit messy. Jacob must've been busy around the other guys. I should nag him about it. "Please excuse the mess, I need to have Jake sweep."

"I'll make him." I said lightly. The house was overstimulation. My heache nagged at me more and more. The tv, the barking dog. The sound of the squeaky wheel on the wheelchair. It all made my temples pound harder.

"Can I get you something to drink?" Billy offered, already opening the fridge and grabbing two cans of beer.

"Thanks." I said dryly. I opened it and took a sip to be polite, but I honestly wanted nothing other than coffee right now.

He spun around to look at me. "So what did you want to talk about? Oh—where are my manners, come sit down." He gestured over to the couch, but it felt too comfortable, too casual for the discussion.

"Can we sit at the table?" I asked. Billy nodded, getting my idea. I sat down beside him, my fingers playing with the placemat. He didn't speak first. He just waited patiently. After a minute, I found my words. "Why me?"

His old wrinkled face twisted more with confusion. "Why _you?"_

"Yeah, why... why did I have to be a werewolf, Billy?" I asked.

He took a deep breath and folded his hands in his lap. "Why not you?"

"Well—" I sputtered. "Why not Emily? Why not any other Rez girl with Quileute heritage? Why is it _only_ me? Why couldn't I... why wasn't it just Seth? Why did it have to be me?"

"I don't know." Billy replied. "You've always been our little anomaly. I don't know why you, I don't know why it wasn't Emily. There's no ancient scroll that says, 'by the way, no Quileute woman can become a wolf'."

"But why am I _different?_ Is there something wrong with me?" Tears were forming in my eyes. I was _pleading. _I needed someone to tell me that there was nothing wrong with me. I needed someone to tell me that everything was going to be alright.

The old man shook his head. "Leah, all I can think is that there must be something special about you as a person, regardless of your gender, that perhaps you're... destined for something."

"That's the whole point, isn't it? To _defeat the cold ones_? But we're over that. Nothing is coming to Forks. We did it, and the story is over, and I should be _done."_

"Are you trying to stop phasing?" Billy asked. His tone told me that he was pretending to not be shocked.

"Have been. But it doesn't matter how much self control I have I... I can't. Why can't I? What's even the point? What am I waiting for?" I demanded.

"Imprinting." He said confindently, leaning back into his chair. He folded his hands across his chest. "It's the imprinting, then. Your body is preparing for it."

I felt like my stomach was about to upturn onto the table. "Billy—" my voice whined. He stared at me. I sunk into my seat. "I already _did."_

"Oh?" His face brightened curiously. "You're distressed about this?"

I was taking shallow breaths and I hadn't even noticed. "Billy, this isn't—this isn't a black and white situation. I didn't just... I didn't just get swept off my feet like Emily did."

"Then what did it feel like?"

_In for four... hold for four... out for four... _"Scary?" I replied. Billy continued to stare at me as if I was automatically supposed to elaborate on that statement. "Like I said, not a black and white situation. There are... factors in this that are not... _conventional."_

"Is he, er," Billy squinted. "more on the... _silver fox_ side of the age spectrum?"

I choked, unsure if that was a better or worse answer. "Y-for the sake of argument, what if he... _is?"_

"Well, that um... that doesn't... um..." He took a long sip. "That doesn't mean anything. I understand the... awkwardness, however. I always theorized... the idea of imprinting was for reproductive purposes... does he have kids from, maybe another marriage?"

"Uh, no." I said. I was really about to try and bullshit my way through this, huh?

"Right." Billy sighed. His cheeks turned pink. "Have you, er, has your... for all intents and purposes, could you... _physically_ have children again?"

"Um—" I shook my head, shrugging awkwardly. "Billy, I'm sorry, I just... I don't think that's exactly going to work out, if you catch my drift."

"I understand." He nodded. "Yes, so... this seems to be changing things. Unless... unless something were to come up and you _did_ get pregnant... I can't think of any other reason for this. In nature, you see imprinting happening for sexual attraction and in nature, sex is for reproduction. I can't picture why this would've happened other than for that, unless you were to raise someone else's children, but even then... even then, it wouldn't make sense for them to not be Quileute children."

I let out a breath. "Okay." I said simply. "Can we just... pretend that this conversation didn't happen?"

Billy nodded. "I'll look more into it, alright?"

"Yeah, just... can we keep this on the down low? I haven't exactly told my mother about all of this." I said.

He made a lip-zipping gesture and smiled. "Take your time. Figure things out for yourself and maybe we can regroup. You're always welcome to come over for dinner!"

_Okay, that went worse than anything I could've imagined. Plan B._

My stomach was twisting and turning, acid shooting up to my mouth, but Billy had honestly been no help. I could practically smell the decay from outside the front door. It took me forever to clamber out of my car and drag my feet up the steps.

A figure flittered downstairs to the door and it flew open. A short, smelly vampire girl greeted me. "Hello, Leah!" She have me a big smile. _Sharp._

I put on a smile, my entire body stiffening with the stench of the corpse in the doorway. "Hi... Rose—nope, _Alice_, right?"

"That's me." She chuckled.

"Wait a second, I thought you can't see our futures, how did you see me coming?" I asked, my weight shifted awkwardly.

"Oh, I didn't see you coming." Alice cooed. "Edward heard your thoughts and we heard your car in the driveway."

"Cool." I nodded uncomfortably. I _really_ don't like these people. They seem so nice but with vampires you really never know how much humanity they still have left in those walking shells. It's hard to imagine what dying does to your body, never being able to rest, not having a choice outside of taking the life force from a creature to survive, the idea that even if a nuke got dropped right on top of your head you would survive. "Can I, um, can I come in?"

Their house reminds me a lot of brutalist architecture. It's empty, dark, filled only with the bare essentials. They don't need food or tables or chairs or beds. If they wanted, they could survive in an empty 4x4 room with a computer with enough RAM to mentally stimulate them for the next century and they would be fine. What's even the point? Going to high school over and over again, going to _college_ over and over again, doing a bunch of absolutely nothing for ever until _maybe_ they get their limbs ripped apart.

"You and I seem to have a very different idea of nothing." The ginger vampire at the piano chimed in. He was hitting the same key over and over.

I panicked, pointing a finger gun in his direction. "You must be fun at parties." I whipped back around to Alice who was pouring me a glass of water from the sink. "I was hoping maybe we could talk in private..." I glowered at Edward. "_In private."_ I emphasized again.

He chuckled, closing up the piano. "Alright. I'll go take Nessie for a walk, although, I'm sure whatever you're thinking I've already heard a million times over." He scooped up the girl and zipped away before I could curse him under my breath.

"We can sit at the table." Alice gestured to their people dining table. "Rosalie and Emmett are backpacking around Europe for the next month, and Bella's at her father's. Carlisle and Esme took Jasper out to hunt and be won't bothering us."

I could see the water shaking in my hand out of the corner of my eye. "I know that you can't see my future, and I get that, but I'm desperate for answers that no one has and you're my last resort."

Alice sat down across from me. She pursed her pale lips. "It's alright, Leah, let me see what I can do for you."

I slowly lowered into my chair, trying to think of where to even begin. "So... I... imprinted on someone. And I need some relationship advice."

She was happily intrigued. She flashed her set of deadly teeth. "A soulmate! How exciting!"

I laughed nervously to be polite. "Maybe? I... we just met and... I don't know, I can't figure out my feelings and I—" My voice trailed away.

Alice shook her head slowly. "I understand."

"It just feels so out of control, so... so..."

"Inevitable?"

"Inevitable." I repeated. "Yeah. I don't know... I don't know if we're supposed to be friends or we're supposed to date or if I'm supposed to protect her from something..." I lowered my voice to a tone above a whisper. "Her name is Clara Graves. She's my roommate, and she goes to-"

"Community college." She nodded slowly. "Clara... Clara Graves, brunette, freckles?"

"Blonde." I said. "Not naturally though."

Alice stared at the ceiling thoughtfully. "I've seen her before. Carlisle has treated her for—" She cut herself off. "I—that's a bit... _personal. _Sorry."

"No, I get it." I shrugged. It was a bit of an intriguing statement, but she probably no more than broke her wrist. None of my business. Nothing to worry about. "She moved here a few years back?"

"Yes, I remember it like it was yesterday. I remember all the chatter about her anyways. Forks is notorious for the gossip." Her lips upturned thoughtfully. Her eyes glazed over and she stared at the wall behind me. I stared down at the fake flowers on the table. _God, this place couldn't even feel more like a morgue if it tried._

Alice tilted her head. "Yes, of course..." She was seeing something now that made her forehead crease with wrinkles that were not usually there. "Strange."

"What is it?" I demanded. Did she see Clara hurt? _Dead?_ Something scared her and I needed to know immediately. Her eyebrows folding in and out as she sifted through visions.

She shifted into a different vision. "It's just that... there was a less than one percent chance that you two would've crossed paths... By looking at all of her possibilities, she shouldn't have... the chance that you would've chosen to imprint on her-"

"I didn't _choose-"_

"Not consciously." Alice quipped. "But it's besides the point... your paths weren't originally meant to cross. It was... luck, _fate,_ even, if you believe in that stuff."

"I don't, but what do you mean?" My fingernails dug into the wood.

Alice didn't reply for a moment. Then, she blinked her glowing amber eyes. If she could get any paler, I could've seen the color flush from her face. She took a deep breath and swallowed the excess venom in her mouth, steadying herself in her chair. "Okay. What can I do for you?"

"What do you mean we weren't supposed to meet?" I asked slowly.

"You simply... weren't." Alice shrugged cluelessly. "I would bet that it had something to do with your father's death, the odd chance that lead you to becoming a shapeshifter, her moving here, choosing that apartment, you choosing to stave off your transformations... it was all a perfect boiling pot for luck. You were in the right place at the right time."

_Was I?_ "Cool, so um, what exactly are the ethics here? Like I'm not crazy, this is definitely kind of weird, right?"

_"Weird?"_ She asked. She sounded offended.

I leaned towards her. "Look, I know you guys do something similar, right? Like you smell someone tasty and next thing you know it's all flower petals and wedding bells. I get it, I really do. But Clara is _human._ She didn't get a say in this. She didn't get some draw towards me or whatever, it's just... it's one sided and that's not right."

"Is it one sided?" Alice asked. "Do you love her?"

I considered both answers. My conclusion was that no matter what I could've possibly said, I would feel like I'm lying. "I don't know." Alice peered down at me, glaring, her topaz colored eyes radiating guilt into my bones. "If I no, I feel like I'm lying and if I say yes, then I'm a terrible person!" I exclaimed.

Alice sharply inhaled, only out of the necessity of speaking (which she made clear with a disguised grimace), leaning back in her chair. "So you do love her."

I slammed my hand against the wood. I pointed my finger at her. "You're putting words in my mouth, bloodsucker."

She taunted me, smiling. "Leah... you're angry because you're angry at yourself."

"I'm sorry, are you a therapist now?" I shot at her.

"Well, yes, I went to school for it, but my license has expired by now—"

_God these people are infuriating. _I wasn't about to fight, but the spiders that lived inside my muscles scattered like a crumpling infestion-ridden house, my skin itching like hives. All I could do was make a shouting noise at her. When I stopped, the spiders retreated, but I was winded, confused. "I don't know what to do." I whispered.

"I know." She nodded sympathetically.

"It's not right."

"Says who?"

"It's wrong because she never had a say." I said quietly.

Alice shook her head. "Neither did you, Leah." her hand flinched in a millisecond, like she wanted to reach out and take my hand before recoiling. The niceties were performative and our clashing scents were slowly revolting the other. On a biological level, our bodies were telling us that we should be tearing each other to shreds right about now. This entire conversation was so... _human_... _all_ of this was so performative. "You said so yourself."

"But it's not... right, Alice." I said.

"The imprinting or the fact that it's a woman?" She pressed.

I began stammering. "This is a moral dilemma no matter who it applies to! I can't live a happy life knowing that someone fell in love with me because some genetic mutation inside of her found the weird genetic mutation inside of me!"

"That's how regular love works, Leah. You find something in someone that you like and it draws you together."

"But not like this! She's going to fall in love with me because I made her do it, whether I force myself to change for her or she changes to fit in with me. Nothing about this is organic." I replied.

"How long have you two known each other? Are the two of you already dating?"

"Like... a little while, but we aren't dating or anything even close to that."

"Then it's organic." Alice reassured. "The two of you weren't kissing and saying _I love you_ the first day you met, so that clearly means that this is something that, imprinting or not, you have to work for."

"I'm just..." I was not about to cry. I stared up at the chalky white ceiling. "I'm worried that if I'm in love with her, she'll... she'll wake up one morning and be in love with me to. That if I come to terms with this, it will manifest it."

"From my understanding of imprinting, I don't think it will." She cooed. "To my understanding, _you're_ the one that becomes whatever _she_ needs. And it sounds like maybe she's the one that needs love right now."

I opened my mouth the say something before she cut me short.

"I think... When I look for Clara and her future, I see this black spot around her—a _blind spot._ It's you. I can't see anything because you are like a black hole of energy to my visions." Of course I knew what she had meant, but it gave me an intense sense of guilt. Was that all i was? Not even a person, but a black hole that sucks everything into it. I sucked in Sam. I sucked in Dad, and subsequently Mom. Now, I had doomed Clara to getting yanked into the pit. My selfishness was like a magnetic bubble, or a tornado, that dragged people right into my trap.

"What did you see? Anything?"

"It wasn't exactly clear." Alice sighed. "The two of you and your paths will become so intertwined that I can't distinguish her future from yours, and because I can't see yours..."

"So nothing." I repeated.

"Not nothing. I saw... _ends._ It appears like the two of you are inseparable until death. Given the circumstances, it's always going to be her that dies first."

"How does she die?" I asked warily.

Alice shuffles uncomfortably. "Nothing is set in stone—"

_"Alice—"_ I growled.

"There was an ending where I saw her passing at a very young age, not far off from where she is now."

"How? Where?" I demanded. My heart was racing. _No. No, not my Clara._

"I saw her on a surgical table. Some kind of... complication. An accident." Alice confirmed. "There was another of her... she was crumpled in a bathroom floor. But there were good ones too, one where she was elderly. I saw an old woman pass away in a bed in a house. There were other outcomes that were more rare, I wouldn't even consider them possible—"

That didn't ease my mind. "How could she be dying so young? What could possibly happen to her? Is she hurt? Sick?"

Alice's mouth hung open. "I don't know." Her jaw clenched shut.

"Alice, what is it?"

"I couldn't see, I could only see her postmortem, only for a second." She confirmed.

"Then what do I do to prevent that?"

Alice carefully pondered my question. "Open up to her. Talk to her. She needs to know that you're on her side. She needs to know that you're a person she can trust."

"Yes. Okay. Absolutely." I nodded. I was still trying to process the idea of her even dying. Dying? Actual _dying?_ "What—what are the odds of her dying? Right now, what is the chance that she's going to die young?"

Alice swirled numbers around her head, mumbling to herself. "Fifty-fifty. Right now. Fifty-fifty."

Fifty-fifty. That number filled every crevice of my brain. Why was it high? Why was she danger? Was she in danger right this second? What was going on? Why was this happening to her? _To me? _"It's so... high." I said bluntly.

"Yes, _but_ you can sway it in your favor very easily." She replied. "She needs a friend now more than ever. Running away and denying this will only make things worse." I couldn't even afford to doubt her. _Clara can't die. I won't let her._

"Thank you, Alice." I said. I pushed the chair away from the table and stood up. "I'm sorry for taking up your time."

"It's no problem, honestly." She smiled again as if nothing had ever happened.

"Is Carlisle going to be back soon?" I asked curiously. _Plan C._

Alice stared up at the ceiling. "Five minutes. Can I get you some water while you wait?"

I could smell the stink multiply throughout the house the moment the others entered. Dr. Cullen seems like a nice guy. The nicest of the bunch, I think. If I had to trust them, it would either be him or Bella, probably. He's the least likely to slaughter a town full of humans and that's a pretty big plus in my book. He was surprised to see me in his his office, perched on the exam table. I guess my smell didn't really bother him in the way it did with the others. He flashed his sharp teeth, but his smile was somehow... warm. It was less threatening. It was strange to imagine though, the idea that his teeth had just drained the blood of a living animal. They were perfectly porcelain, just like his skin.

"Ms. Clearwater, how can I help you today? Are you feeling under the weather?" He asked, scrubbing his hands in the sink.

I rolled up my sweatshirt sleeve to reveal my arm. "I was wondering if you could do a blood test."

His eyebrows creased with concern. "Are you worried about something in particular?" He sat down on his rolling stool.

"Um... yes. _Kind of._ I thought of it this morning." I said. "You can see hormones in blood, right?"

"What hormones would you like me to test?"

"Estrogen and testosterone. I want to know what my levels are." I insisted. "Please?"

Carlisle hesitated for a second before going to fetch a needle and tubes. No big deal for him to do I guess. He cleaned my elbow and tied a tourniquet. "Are you worried about anything in particular, Leah?"

"I want to know about my muscle mass and stuff." I lied. I couldn't watch him actually draw the blood, yet he was so smooth and gentle, it didn't even hurt that bad.

"Your muscle mass." He repeated, drawing out the needle. He patted the spot with a cotton ball but it had already healed over.

"Carlisle—" I paused. "What do you know about with... um... like, for example, women with high testosterone?"

"It's typically an abnormality. Are you concerned your testosterone is too high?"

"Yes. I'm worried that... I mean, you can tell I'm very muscular. I know that that is caused by the increase. I guess I'm trying to figure out if that's maybe done anything... to my head?"

"Your head?" He asked inquisitively.

"Like... psychologically." I explained. It's so exhausting to just keep outing yourself over and over and over again. "I've read on the internet that—you know, that having too much testosterone in your brain is what makes people... gay... or transsexual... or... I mean, it can just cause other problems too."

Carlisle looked up from what he was working on with my blood at a machine on the other side of the room. "You want me to test your blood to see if you're... gay, or a transsexual? Is that what you're asking?"

"No—I—" I stammered quickly. "I meant-if maybe there was a link between me phasing and my brain-"

"I can promise you, I've done many many studies over the years under pseudonyms. I've dabbled in research all over the place. But this sounds a bit like... and I honestly mean no offense to you, but..." He sighed. "Were you reading about eugenics? Or eugenics studies during the forties and fifties?"

"No, no, no, Dr. Cullen, I just..." I took a shaky breath. "I'm... different. I'm not human and I thought... you know, as a werewolf... do these things affect me differently?"

He returned to the chair beside me. "Tell me, Leah," His eyes stared uncomfortably fixated at mine. Enough to make me lean away from him. "Do you _feel_ like you're a woman?"

"Yes." I said confidently. "I've never felt like a man. I don't think I ever have. To be fair, Doc, it's... it's felt as though I'm... _less_ of a woman than I should be. Like... I'm not _good_ at being a woman since I started phasing... I..." He was listening. It was so refreshing to have someone genuinely listen to me like they wanted to hear what I was saying. "I feel like there's something _wrong_ with me."

"I don't think so." Carlisle said. "But I can still check your vitamins and all."

I sniffled, hiding my face behind my sleeve. "Would I be normal if I never started phasing? Seriously, why is this happening to me?"

Carlisle looked at me sympathetic. "Can I do anything else to help you feel better?"

I swallowed and began rambling. "I... Can you tell me why I imprinted on a woman? Why me? I keep looking for answers, but Billy Black said that all he knows is that it happens so we can have kids and I can't have kids with a woman, and Alice just told me that she could end up _dying_ and I don't know _when_ and I don't know _where_, and I feel like I can't talk to anyone about this because I'm afraid and I just... I just want to be able to go to sleep without worrying all the time, and now my head hurts, and _that's_ not normal-"

He tapped his foot thoughtfully. "Did you like women before you imprinted?" I shook my head. He nodded sympathetically. "I bet your headache is simply from stress. I'm sorry that you're having to deal with this."

I took a shaky breath. "You... you believe in hell, right? I don't, I'm not Christian."

Carlisle nodded. "I don't think you're going to hell, Leah."

"Why shouldn't I? Doesn't your book say all that stuff about-"

"I have been alive-well, as alive as I can be-since the 1600's. The Bible doesn't say that." He reassured. He reached over and squeezed my hand with his hard, marble hand. "I promise that whatever god or gods are watching over you, they don't think you're a bad person." I didn't expect to cry this heavily in front of a vampire. I didn't expect to receive this much comfort from being so vulnerable in front of one. I didn't even know what was wrong with me. I don't usually cry like this. "Love isn't as easy as getting to pick someone out of a crowd. You might've gotten lucky by having some... _higher power_ point you in the right direction, but it's your job to figure out what this means."


End file.
